Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to give a quick update. I had my blood drawn again yesterday and I was praying I wouldn't have to have a horrible Christmas...and I didn't! I got great lab results again! My HCG was 5,509 and my progesterone is still good at 38. I will keep taking the progesterone to keep it up though. So far so good! For those of you that are curious my HCG rise is consistent for a healthy SINGLETON pregnancy! Everyone keeps asking if I think there are two in there and I am pretty sure there is one little miracle in there. I can't wait for next week to see that beautiful little heartbeat. I just know it will happen this time. It just has to. I am doing ok...really nauseous if I don't eat every two hours and even then it never completely goes away. It is ok though...believe me I am NOT complaining! I am embracing every symptom I can get...bring it on!

Blood work...

I had my first set of labs drawn on Monday and everything looked good. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) was 147.8 (the highest it has ever been this early) and my progesterone was 36. HCG is supposed to double every 48 hours or so and I had my second HCG and progesterone drawn today and so far so good!!! My HCG was 411! It went from 147.8 to 411 in 48 hours! I was expecting it to be around 300 so I am very pleased. My progesterone went down some from 36 on Monday to 27 today. It is still high enough (they want it over 20) and the nurse said it can fluctuate from day to day but she increased my progesterone pills to twice a day instead of once a day just to be safe. I am ok with that and we will do another HCG (per my request) and recheck the progesterone in a week. My first ultrasound is scheduled for Jan. 2 at 2:15!!! I will be almost 7 weeks. Fingers crossed we see a beautiful heartbeat!

I did have to yell at the nurse who called me though because she told me my progesterone level first and then took a pause before she told me my HCG and I thought it was going to be bad...then when I heard it was 411 I cried and said "don't do that to a pregnant woman!" I told her she scared me because she told me the progesterone first and from now on to tell me the HCG first! Anyway, I was able to let out my first sigh of relief today and hopefully more to come!

Merry Christmas to ME...

Well the last few weeks have been very busy for us. Last weekend Brian and I went car shopping. Friday afternoon Brian called me from work and said "so I have been thinking about when we should trade in the Wrangler." We had been planning on trading it in around springtime because it isn't much of a family vehicle. Then he went on to say "we might as well trade in the Liberty too." What! I guess he had been thinking about it for a while and we have heard that infant carseats are difficult in the Liberty because it makes the front seats have to scoot way up in order for it to fit in the back. Also, Brian has been wanting a pickup because he does a lot of work on projects on the house, etc. so we thought maybe trade the Wrangler for a different SUV and then in the Spring we would trade the Liberty for a pickup. So he came home and we went browsing...came home that evening and discussed our options and then went back Saturday and traded both!!! We went from an all JEEP family to an all Dodge Family!!!

Brian got a 2006 Dakota. It is in excellent condition and only 20,000 miles for being almost 3 years old.I was too lazy to pull it out of the garage for the pic...yes it actually fits in the garage with about 6 inches to spare! And I got a 2009 Journey!! I love it! It has third row seating that can be folded flat to make a big cargo area. In fact all the seats (including the front passenter) except the driver seat folds completely flat. There are storage compartments everywhere and even a cooler that holds soda cans and keeps them cold! It is so pretty and drives sooo smoothly!
Then when we were signing paperwork they told us that for upgrading to the extended warranty on the Journey that Chysler was going to send us a Garmin GPS! All of a sudden Brian says "aah crap!" He had already bought me one for Christmas! So I said well just take it back and I will use the free one. Then he said..."no because you will probably like the one I got you better because it is PINK!" So yeah, I am keeping the pink one and Brian is taking the free one. Brian let me have it early since I found out about it...here is my PINK Garmin!!Then Sunday we went to the Colts game at The Luke! We were in the end zone directly across from the window...this was our view of the skyline during the game! Very pretty!We also went out and cut down our Christmas tree...it was really nice to have a truck to haul it home in!
Here is Brian cutting off the net...with help from the dogs of course!Notice our angel ornaments for our three angels. And also mom had her knee replaced on Tuesday so we have been back and forth taking care of her. She is doing great and after this we are done with hospitals!

And last but not least the best Christmas present of all...
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I AM PREGNANT!!!!

It is still very early but I have to believe that this is THE ONE! This is the first time we are doing something different (treatment for my clotting factor) other than just hoping it sticks so I am very optimistic this time but obviously nervous and cautious as well. Normally I wouldn't announce being pregnant this early but after all I have been through I need all the prayers and support I can get. Merry Christmas to you all!!!!!!!

Follicle Scan...

I had an ultrasound this morning to check on my follicles and it was good news this time! I have 2 mature follicles so we are all set for IUI on Monday! My sister will be giving me my trigger shot tonight at 830 pm and it will make me ovulate 36 hours later. My IUI is scheduled for 830 am on Monday...36 hours later. I am nervous and anxious and trying to stay calm. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down again but at the same time I have to stay positive. I am hopeful because we are doing something different this time. After a 2 month break just doing anything is wonderful but this will definately increase our chances!

I just hope it is finally our turn for a healthy baby. After 2 years of seeing people pass us by it can get a little painful. I am not saying I don't want other people to have their babies...I just want mine too! I am just ready to not be stuck in time watching the rest of the world go by. I am ready for the next chapter...I've been ready since before Brian and I were even married! Obviously we waited until after the wedding to try and when we got pregnant so fast I was so excited. I realized the other day that if I had not lost our first baby we would be thinking about trying for number two about now. We had talked about trying when our first was a year old...that would be now. Kind of surreal when I think about it. But we aren't working on number two...we are still working on a miracle.

No more cyst...

I had my ultrasound this morning to check on the cyst and our little friend has gone bye bye!!! No more cyst so I got the all clear to stop the birth control pills and start our IUI cycle. The plan is to start my meds next week and two weeks from today I will have my follicle scan. If all goes well I will have the IUI on Monday 12/1! Finally some good news and a new start. Hopefully, the good news just keeps coming at the end of this cycle too! Wish us luck!!

Angelversary...

One year ago today I was having a D&C after losing our third baby. One year ago today if you had told me I still wouldn't be pregnant with a healthy baby I wouldn't have believed you. I thought for sure I would at least be pregnant right now. I have noticed I keep saying "I thought for sure..." I guess I shouldn't assume anything at this point. It is just surreal sometimes...like this really isn't my life. How could it be? I have the perfect husband, great house, great job, wonderful family and yet there is still something missing. I just need that final piece to the puzzle to complete the picture. There will always be an empty place in my heart for all my angels that can never be replaced, but there is also an empty place for future babies that I hope will be filled. I still miss my babies. I don't think that will ever go away.

I still think about what they would be doing right now if I had not lost them. We would have just celebrated Jordan's first birthday. The worst part about the one year anniversary of my due date for Jordan was the fact that I didn't realize it until half the day was over. I just happened to glance at the calendar as I walked by in my kitchen and realized what the date was and it stopped me in my tracks. All of a sudden I realized that instead of sitting around being sad I could have been throwing a birthday party that day. I didn't even post about it because once I realized what day it was I really didn't know what to do or say about it.Today is different. Today I am reminded of how it felt to go to sleep pregnant and wake up with the most empty feeling you could ever imagine. And I am still empty. Still waiting...


~~Gabriel~~
Today is the anniversary of when you became an angel. You will forever be in my heart and I will never forget the short time I had with you.

Two years...

Two years ago today I married the love of my life. The funny thing is that the past few weeks I have been sitting in my living room looking at our wedding pictures on the wall and thinking how happy I was that day. I was. I had so much fun on our wedding day. I was a mad woman up to the day with planning and making sure everything was perfect and by the time the day came I was able to just relax and enjoy it. I look at those pictures and think about how I thought all my days of stressing was over. I was married! I had nothing to lose and a future of wonderful memories ahead. Now I completely understand the saying that ignorance is bliss. I am glad I could enjoy my wedding day without knowing the near future. I dreamt of the day we would start a family and at that time my only problem was convincing my husband to start trying as soon as possible. I just couldn't wait to become a mommy and to make Brian a daddy. Then one night about a month after our wedding Brian spelled the word "babies" during a scrabble game to tell me that he was ready. I will never forget that night. It was the beginning of our life together and the beginning of our family. Little did I know that the next two years would be the most trying of my life. It isn't our marriage that has been hard...in fact it has only gotten stronger. I laugh when people ask me if the stress of losing our babies and fertility treatments has affected our marriage. Seriously? Do people really think that could cause a problem in our marriage? Maybe for some couples it does but we are much stronger than that. We figure that if we can make it through 3 losses (two of which happened while living in his parents' basement) followed by a year of infertility then we can make it through anything!

Brian has been my rock the past two years and I honestly think I would have broken down long ago if it weren't for his support. He is the one that sees my tears day after day. He is the one that knows to just hold me and not ask what is wrong. He is the one that makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He is the one that always has a positive attitude and never lets me give up. He is the one that I want to make a daddy.

**To my Husband**
How do I begin to tell you how lucky I am
to have you in my life?
I'll start by saying what an honor it is
for me to be your wife.

You're my best friend in the good times
and my rock in times of sorrow.
You're the reason for sweet yesterdays
and my promise for tomorrow.

I never thought I could feel this loved
until I became your wife.
You made the last two years
the best ones of my life. ~Author Unknown

Again we wait...

Well first off, the sperm analysis came back completely normal. I wasn't surprised because I have been pregnant 3 times but since it has been a year I just wanted to make sure things haven't changed. Of course Brian knew it would be normal...he says he has super sperm. Doesn't every man think that! So that just confirms that I am the complete problem. I can't carry a baby and now I can't even get pregnant again to try to carry a baby. I am broken. My body has failed me and just to kick me while I am down it decided that a cyst on my ovary would be a good idea. Yep folks, I am forced to sit out yet another cycle because I have a stupid cyst on my right ovary. We finally decide to move on to something more aggressive (IUI) and I went in for my baseline ultrasound and there it was...an ugly, stupid cyst. And to top it off I get to take birth control! YAY! (sense the sarcasm?) The birth control will help to shrink the cyst and I have to go back in three weeks to check on the progress. I am praying that it will be gone and we only have to sit out one more cycle. It just seems so odd every morning to take a birth control pill when the one thing I want more than anything in the world is to be PREGNANT! I have actually prepared myself for the possibility of sitting out 2 cycles because the last time I was on birth control for my laparoscopy I spotted so much during that month that by the time my period was due I had no lining to shed and therefore never got a "flow" which is necessary in determining the exact cycle days to start meds. I had to sit out an extra cycle that time so I will not be surprised if it happens again.

Seriously, when will it be our turn? Why is it so easy for everyone else and we can't catch a break? I know it will be worth all the pain in the end when I am finally holding my baby but I am really over all of this. If one more person tells me to just relax and it will happen I will scream. If one more person tells me that they know someone who just stopped trying and got pregnant I will scream. People have to remember that just getting pregnant is only half the battle for me and I can't risk getting pregnant again without being on my meds to prevent another miscarriage...so therefore I CAN'T JUST STOP TRYING and see what happens. I don't get the luxury of just not preventing and hoping it will happen. I am just frustrated...

October 15th...

Today a tear falls.
They start to fall like rain.
My heart feels broken.
Forever there will be pain.

There is a cloud in my life now.
Even on sunny days.
An emptiness, a longing,
A sadness that forever stays.

A sadness that is lonely.
A silent tear sneaks out.
My voice fails to scream,
What my heart wants to shout.

Unborn babies are precious.
Their brief moments with us mattered.
We feel love from the beginning.
Love continues after our hearts were shattered.

Today I should have my babies.
Baby Angels to love and touch.
But instead I have barely a reminder
Of those I love so much.

Sometimes I can peek beyond the clouds
To feel a little joy.
I feel the hope of a future
That includes a baby girl or boy.

But what if it never happens.
That's more than I can bear.
So I pray and try again.
I can't handle more despair.

Today's tears keep falling.
They rain and then they pour.
My babies may never be in my arms,
But they're in my heart forevermore.

Moving on...

So I am a little freaked out now! I went in to the appt. ready to talk about IUI (intrauterine insemination) and my RE was all set for IVF (in-vitro fertilization)! We talked about some things including my weight gain and my high risk for diabetes and he put me on metformin. I was thrilled with that idea and he said it should help me to lose weight and fight the insulin resistance. Then he asked how aggressive we wanted to be and I said (thinking moving on to IUI) whatever you think is best we are ready for. Then he said, well lets talk about IVF! I was like Oh I thought more like IUI first. I asked if it would be beneficial to do a SA (sperm analysis) even though I have been pregnant, something has obviously changed, whether it is me or him. He said that was a good idea and we will see what the results are and then decide from there which plan we will do, whether it is IUI or IVF. The problem now is that I made Brian an appt. for his SA and the earliest they can get him in is Monday...then it will take 2-3 days for the results. That puts it way too close to my period coming for my comfort. I am expecting it Wednesday or Thursday. Not much time to get used to the idea either way but I guess we will deal with it as it comes. I am fully expecting the SA to be normal so most likely we will be doing IUI. Brian and I also talked about trying on our own (with meds only) one more cycle since I am on the metformin and maybe that will be all we need. On one hand I think it would be a good idea because it will be cheaper because our insurance will cover it that way but not IUI. On the other hand I am so over all this that I just want to move on and do what is more likely to work!! I guess I have a week and a half to think about doing IUI or trying one last time on our own. That is of course if the SA is good. If not, there isn't a decision to make at all...it is on to IVF! So that is where I am...still confused!

I got nothing...

There isn't much to say. I am not pregnant. Again. We are taking a break for a while. I have an appointment with my RE on Oct 13 to discuss what is going on and what our options might be. I am going to take the time off to work on losing some weight. The only difference between 2007 when I got pregnant 3 times and 2008 when I can't get pregnant is about 20 pounds. After being pregnant and depressed 3 times back to back and then the 9 weeks I was confined to my couch after my foot surgeries I did gain weight. I need to try to get back to where I was when I was able to get pregnant. That is the only difference I can think of that is preventing us from getting pregnant now. I have to take a month off at least before starting a new cycle but I will see how I feel at the end of it and decide then if I want or need to wait even longer.

Not much else to say...I just wonder if it is ever going to happen for us.

Now we wait...

I went on Monday for my follicle scan and had three mature follicles again! I was nervous again that I wouldn't have any but my ovaries cooperated well! I was able to do the trigger shot to make me ovulate then and now we wait. This is the worst part about trying to have a baby. Waiting. It seems like that is all we do. Wait to start a cycle. Wait to ovulate. Wait to find out if we got pregnant. Nope...ok lets wait a whole month and start all over. I know it doesn't end with just getting pregnant either. Once I find out I am pregnant it is still a waiting game. Wait to see if my numbers double. Wait to see if I actually start getting nauseous. Wait to see if the nauseousness goes away. Wait for the all telling ultrasound at 8 weeks. Then once I see that beautiful heartbeat finally...I will have the longest wait of my life to finally hold my baby. I think then and only then is when I will finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief that all the waiting was worth it.

I think I am going to invent a pregnancy test that detects pregnancy right after conception. Forget this waiting two weeks crap. I could make millions! Really though...I find it so strange that for two weeks I could have a baby growing and not be able to tell. I hate that. I hate going through it being as cautious as I would if I were pregnant because who knows there might be a baby in there...and then it makes me feel so stupid at the end of the month when I am not pregnant and I could have enjoyed that margarita the night before! Yeah, we need to do something about this two week wait.

I guess until a new test is invented I just need to keep myself busy. Brian and I are going to Brown County this weekend and we rented a cute little cabin to stay in. It is a much needed relaxing weekend and it also happens to be Brian's birthday next week so we decided to get away and spend a quiet weekend together in the wilderness!

I also had another acupuncture appointment today. I think it is really helping me to relax. I have also came to the realization that my life is not in my control. That was a very hard concept for me to grasp. I don't like not being in control and not being able to do things my own way. My sister made me realize that is how I have always been. I have always wanted to do everything myself and my own way. This is just one obstacle I never thought I would have to deal with. All I can do is try and pray...and of course WAIT to see what happens next.

And here we go again...

Yesterday's baseline ultrasound was perfect. Ovaries were nice and quiet so I started my Femara today...WAKE UP OVARIES!!! Tuesday I will start my Follistim and the Follicle scan will be the following Monday. I am not sure if the acupuncture has done anything or if it is in my head but I have been more relaxed and calm since Thursday. I don't know what it is but I just hope it stays this way! I have another appt. for acupuncture this week on Thursday. I am getting excited again and part of me is saying to not get my hopes up that this cycle will be the one but I also can't sit here and think the worst.
So that is where we are...ready to move on and try again.

Acupuncture...

Today has been a good day! I woke up to spotting which means the dreaded month break is over and I had my first acupuncture appt. and it really went well. I have been thinking about acupuncture for a while now and while I normally would be the first one to laugh at the idea, I have opened my mind up to different options because I feel it can't hurt and if it helps why not?! I found a place near me that specializes in fertility. I am not sure what to expect other than I hope it helps me to relax and ease some anxiety. Basically they say it helps to regulate the body and improve blood flow and stabilizes hormone levels. It has also been shown to help with follicle growth and increase the lining of the uterus. I guess it can't hurt and even if it is all in my mind if it makes me think it is working then it will ease my anxiety!

I will probably count tomorrow as CD 1 because today has been really light and spotty and I am sure tomorrow will be full heavy flow. I left a message with my RE to set up my baseline u/s for Saturday and to get my meds called in to my pharmacy. I have been really anxious but I just got home from my acupuncture appt. and I feel a little less anxious and more excited than stressed. It was only a partial treatment because the first half hour was just consultation this time but the next treatment next week will be the full hour. I was so relaxed and I didn't even feel the needles go in and if he hadn't told me I wouldn't have even known they were there! I am really interested to see if this at least helps with my anxiety and stress level but it should also help regulate all my hormones and all that good stuff. It was really interesting because this place specializes in fertility so he was very knowledgeable and we went over everything I have been through and what treatments we are doing with the RE and he seems confident that he can help. I hope so!!!!

As always I just want to thank everyone who comes and checks on me through my blog. That is the reason I started this and I know sometimes people don't know what to say or do to help me....heck, I don't even know what I need half the time. Sometimes just knowing that people are concerned and want to know what is going on is all I need and sometimes I just need a hug...even if it is a virtual one! Comments are always welcome on my blog and much appreciated as well as lots of prayers! I need all I can get.

So much for that...

The negative pregnancy tests and the fact that my period showed up yesterday pretty much confirms that I am not pregnant. I don't know what else there is to say. I thought for sure I was pregnant this time. I don't know why I let myself get all excited that I had 3 follicles. So basically it was a perfect wasted cycle and I don't understand why it didn't happen. We got pregnant three times in one year and now it will be at least a year before I even have a chance to be pregnant again. I have to take a cycle off to let my ovaries "rest" before we can do the meds again. I feel like we are wasting so much time. I hate feeling like we are just stuck in time and we can't move forward without having a baby. I feel like the whole world is having babies and raising their perfect little families and moving on without us. When will it be our turn???

Follicle Scan...

So my RE was shooting for 2-3 mature follies in the hopes of fertilizing one (or two!) Want to know how many I have????????

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THREE!!!!!!!! WOOOHOOO! I am sooo relieved! I thought I had either none again or way too many! I was so achy yesterday that I thought something was really wrong like there were 80 follicles or I had a huge cyst or something! NOPE! Just three nice and mature follies! I was so excited that my lefty decided to do something this cycle too. Two of the three cycles on just Femara it did nothing. I had two on my left...one was 18mm and the other was 17.5. Technically they say they want it to be 18 but she said 17.5 is close enough to call it! My right had one nice big one that was 21mm. I had my estriadol drawn and it was normal so I got to do the trigger shot last night. I didn't know what the estriadol was for and the nurse said it can tell you how many mature follies you have and they do it just to make sure what we see on ultrasound is the same as what the blood says...and it was. Anyway I am much more relieved now and in a few weeks we will know if it worked!

Part of me is so excited at the thought of being pregnant again but the other part of me remembers that getting there is only a fraction of the battle. I have to STAY pregnant! So I am thinking about all this and it hits me. What am I doing? Am I really ready to be pregnant again??? I want this more than anything but am I prepared for another possible miscarriage?? This whole time we have been trying since our last loss all I wanted was just to be pregnant again. Now there is no turning back. I have no idea what I will do when that stick turns pink again. Will it be excitement or immediate fear??? I am just scared now...BUT I know that I want that end result more than anything and all I can do now is take one day at a time and just wait to see what happens next!

Here we go again...

Well today is day 3 of my cycle and I started my meds this morning!!!! I was so excited to see my period come on Tuesday! Ha Ha! Who would have ever thought I would be happy to see that!?!?! I was so ready to get this cycle started. We are doing everything right this time and I just have a good feeling. No more endo in the way and being on all the right meds will make for the perfect environment for a little bean to settle in for a long time!

So I had a talk with my ovaries the other day. I had to have a baseline ultrasound yesterday to make sure I didn't have any cysts and that my ovaries were "quiet". They behaved nicely and were clear so we got the go ahead to start the meds. I started the Femara today and will take it through day 7. I will start the Follistim injections on Saturday, day 5, and take them once a day through day 10. Then day 11 (July 11th) I will have my follicle scan and some labs drawn. If all goes as planned I will do my trigger shot and ovulate next weekend! Of course it happens to be my weekend to work but we will just have to sneak some time in between for the baby makin'! Ha Ha

I feel really good about our plan and my RE said the only bad news is we may get two for one! I told him at this point that wouldn't be bad news for me. Of course I will be happy with one baby but I have always secretly wanted twins! We shall see! Wake up ovaries...time to grow some eggies!!!!

Would have been Father's Day...

Just when I think I am safe because I made it through Mother's day, here comes Father's day. I think I am taking this one harder than Mother's day for some reason. I feel bad for Brian because not only is he missing out on Father's day but he is also having to miss out on the birth of his son. Gabriel was due today. What a great Father's day gift that would have been. I can't imagine anything I could give him better than a child. I am so sorry that I can't. It is not his fault he doesn't have a child to hold today. He deserves to be a father today and every day.

I found this poem today and I thought it was perfect for Daddy from his Angels.

Happy Father's day my Daddy, from your Angel up above, I'm looking down on you today, and sending you my love. I know you still miss me, deep inside your heart, and if I had a choice, we would never be apart. I know you wish you could have changed things, and have me there with you, to keep mommy from crying, I know anything you would do. But I'm with the Father Daddy, and he rocks me in his arms. He tells me all about you, and keeps me safe from harm. He tells me someday we will be together, never again to be apart, and I know until I see you then, I will be inside your heart. ~Author Unknown

And one from Mommy to Gabriel:

Today is the due date
For you to be born.
But all I have is An emptiness to mourn.
Mommy's arms are empty With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

This should have been the time
For the anticipation of your arrival.
But no one seems to be remembering
To share in my grief or sorrow.
You were a life Created from love.
You were a gift
That was sent from above.

Why couldn't you join us
To become a family.
You'd have had parents who loved you
And whom I'm sure you'd adore.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

Father's Day is getting nearer.
The date we were told you would be here.
Instead of excitement, joy, and celebration, I shed yet another tear.
Your nursery is still empty.

There isn't a day that goes by
When I haven't thought of you.
Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be
Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

I know that you have gone
To a much better place.
Knowing that the grace of God
Is shining on your face.

I see another baby.
I think of you then, too.
Wondering what you'd have looked like
As you giggle, cry, and coo.
But I will never know these things
Because you will never be here.
But in my heart you'll always be
My baby, my angel, my dear.

It doesn't make it easier.
For the pain I have is still here.
I will never forget you, my little one.
That fact remains quite clear.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is still cold.


Ultrasound picture of Gabriel at 8 weeks. He was too tiny and too still but still perfect to me.

Our second angelversary...

A year ago today my life was again turned upside down when I lost our second baby, Skylar. It seems so surreal sitting here and realizing that it has already been a year. I thought for sure a year from then I would be at least pregnant with a healthy baby. Now here I sit with nothing but the memories of the short few days I knew I had Sklyar. I was only able to enjoy that pregnancy for 4 days before I found out that I would lose him/her. It was another 5 days before I actually did miscarry.

Why do I do this to myself...why do I remember these dates that most people would deem insignificant because the pregnancies never resulted in a baby to hold in my arms? Why? Well, because those babies made me a mother. Those babies are a part of my life whether they are in my arms or watching me from above. I have nothing to hold on to but those dates. June is an interesting one for me. I found out I was pregnant for the second time and miscarried a year ago today. I was pregnant again for a third time and due this June 15th, Father's Day. After three losses it seems that once I make it through one date there is always another date looming in the near future.

It is funny because I never got to the point where I was "showing" in any of my pregnancies but the moment I lost them I felt empty. I still feel empty and I can't wait to have that feeling back. Right now we are waiting for my next cycle to start trying again. We decided to wait one cycle after my surgery instead of trying right away. As much as I wanted to start right away I thought it was best to give my body time to heal. I am hoping in about 3 weeks we will be starting the meds. Time can't go quickly enough!

~~Dear Skylar~~
To the baby that I carried
But never saw your eyes
Or told you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.
You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

~~Happy Angelversary Skylar. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much and you will always be a part of our family and a part of our hearts.~~

Laparoscopy...

I had my lap on Tuesday and everything went well. He did find some endometriosis on my bladder and my right ovary. Everything makes so much sense now! I have been having bladder spasms since last February when I was pregnant for the first time. I just knew if I did have endo that it was all over my bladder. I have been taking Detrol and it has helped but it is a Class C so I never took it after I ovulated just in case and the bladder spasms were terrible...I hope now that the endo is gone I can completely stop the Detrol and not have anymore spasms. Also, last summer I had a lot of pain in my right side near my ovary and we never figured out what it was from. I did end up having a large cyst on that ovary but I had the pain before I had the cyst so I was never convinced that was the problem. I have still been having some pain on that side occasionally so now I am sure it will be gone! Another thing I thought of last night has made even more sense now. The last three cycles when I have been monitoring my ovaries my right one is the only one that ever produced anything...it makes sense that if it was covered with endo that the eggs might have never even gotten to my tubes. Hopefully now there is a clear path!

He also flushed my tubes and did a hysteroscopy as well to check the inside of my uterus and everything looked good. I am so relieved to have that done and the endo taken care of. Now I feel more comfortable knowing I am all cleaned out and there wasn't anything else wrong in there! I have three small incisions, one of them is in my belly button, and they are pretty sore. The gassy feeling isn't too bad right now but right after surgery it was awful. I think the pain meds have helped.

I talked to the nurse yesterday and set up my post op appt with my RE. He will be out of town again so my 2 week post op will actually be 4 weeks. I told her that I should start my new cycle before my post op appt and if it was still ok to try then. She said if it starts too soon they may want me to wait a cycle. My last birth control pill is next Wednesday so I hope it takes another few days after I stop them to start. He did write the scripts though and told me it should be ok to start trying again the next cycle so I just hope that still happens. I am so ready!

No Birthday Baby...

So I won't be having a baby for my Birthday in January. I have scheduled my laparoscopy for May 27th and we will be taking a break from trying for a baby this cycle. I am suprisingly ok with it. I know the lap needs to be done and I will feel better being pregnant afterwards knowing everything is taken care of. The good part is that I get to go on a mini-vacation! Brian has a conference in San Diego the first week of June and we decided that if I wasn't pregnant I could go and we could stay through the weekend and visit my family! So now that we know I am not pregnant I get to go and I am very excited about that! Then once we get back we will be nice and relaxed and ready to try again!

We are also working on some projects around the house so that will occupy the next few weeks. We are building a deck, and still working on our office project. We also have a landscaping project to work on soon. It will be a busy summer and hopefully by the end I will be carrying our miracle baby.

Angel Tree...

So Mother's Day was rough but not nearly as rough as I had imagined it would be. My mom and I shared some tears which actually made me feel better. At first I wondered if anyone (besides Brian) would acknowledge me and my babies today but after watching us plant our tree my mom got teary and said she was sorry because she just didn't know what she was supposed to do for me today. She said she didn't forget and never will but she didn't know what I would want. She knew Brian and I would have our special time and she left it up to us what we wanted to make of the day. I of course started to cry and told her that was all I needed. Just acknowledgement of my angels and understanding of my pain. I feel so blessed to have a family that understands me. They may not know how I feel but they do try to understand and they let me grieve and cry and are there for me when I need them.

Brian went to the store that morning while I straightened up the house to get a card for our mom's because I just couldn't do it. Just the thought of standing in that card section made me tear up. So he came home with some flowers...I was assuming for my mom but he got two small bunches of tulips for my mom and sister and then he got me some beautiful roses. I was so happy. I also got my absolute favorite Lindor Truffles! They are like silky, chocolatey, heaven!!! Here are the pics!!

Then even though it was a rainy, cold, crappy day outside I still wanted to get our Angel Tree in the ground! My daddy helped Brian and I dig the hole and we planted it together. I am planning on getting a garden stone with a cute saying on it...I have a few in mind but haven't picked the one I want just yet. I will, of course, post pics when I get it! We ended up getting the Weeping Cherry Tree. It has beautiful pink blooms in the Spring and the Weeping variety just seemed to fit the occasion. Here are a few pictures of what it will look like when it is bigger and in bloom. Right now it is pretty sparse because it is a baby.

Here are the pictures of us planting our Angel Tree.

And here it is today in the sun!

And just for fun! Brian grilling in the rain on our partially constructed deck! I will post more pictures of the deck when it is finished!

Mother's Day...

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say. A Mother has a baby This we know is true.' But God, can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you? Yes, you can, He replied With confidence in His voice I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb But there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say: "We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear. My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep On her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear. "Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one Your children are ok Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with Me Until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home They'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start. -author unknown

What if...

Today was our "what if" appointment with our RE...as in "what if I am not pregnant right now." I am currently 9 DPO and waiting to test to see if we were succesful or not this cycle. We wanted to have this appointment so that we didn't waste a cycle trying to decide what to do next. I was dreading this appointment for some reason and was so nervous I was nauseous before I got there. I don't know why...I just thought it would be bad news and I also didn't want to talk about what if I am not pregnant right now. I want to stay positive the rest of this cycle.

Anyway it turned out to be a great appointment. I got all my questions answered and the plan sounds good to me. So here it is...IF I am not pregnant right now I will have a laparoscopy on May 27th to check for/treat endometriosis. I will be on birth control pills that cycle because they usually want to do laps from CD 5-12 but my RE will be on vacation...go figure! So I will be on BC to keep my ovaries quiet before the surgery. I was bummed at first until I realized that we wont be trying that cycle anyway because of the lap...so really it doesn't matter. After the lap I will just finish out the cycle on the pills and the next cycle we will start fertility meds again. I was worried I would have to wait after the lap but he said we didn't have to. That is assuming I don't have a TON of endo that needs treated. If it turns out that it is way worse than we expected then we might have to wait. But it needs to be done. Anyway the cycle following the lap I will take Femara again from CD 3-7 and we are adding Follistim injections this time from CD 5-10. The reason for the Follistim is that I don't seem to produce good mature follies. Femara helps produce follicles and the Follistim helps to mature them. Out of three cycles on Femara my left ovary only produced one follicle on one cycle and it was even too small. The other two cycles it was empty. The right seems to produce a few but most of them are tiny ones that don't count. I will still have the ultrasound to check for mature follies after the meds and get a trigger if everything looks fine. He is shooting for 2-3 mature follies. He said there is an up side and a down side. Up side being with 2-3 mature follies we have a better chance of getting pregnant and the down side is that we could end up with two...I don't really think that is a down side! Three would be scary so I don't want to go there but I would be ok with twins! At this point I would rather get a two-for one and be done with this whole pregnancy thing!

So as good as our new plan sounds I really just hope I am pregnant right now. I know that the follicle I had was nice and big and mature and I am on the Lovenox and Folgard this time so I am trying to be optimistic that it would be a sticky one. He agreed that I did ovulate by looking at my chart and that the big follie was not a cyst so he is hopeful that I am just pregnant now! He said sometimes it is the wacky cycles that work! I hope he is right!

Eggie...

I knew that big follicle had to have an egg in it! My temps have gone up and my chart today confirmed that I did ovulate! There is a link to my chart at the top of my blog page if you want to see. I guess I didn't need that trigger shot anyway. I actually even ovulated the same day I would have ovulated if I had gotten the trigger. I started my Lovenox and Prometrium today. I am doing Lovenox this cycle instead of Heparin because the Heparin vials were recalled. I am hoping that they are available again soon because the Lovenox is way more expensive! I have heard that the Lovenox syringe needles are more painful than the ones I had been using but I didn't have a problem today. I didn't even feel it so I am glad about that. I still have an appointment with our RE on the 7th to discuss our options if I did not get pregnant this cycle. I almost don't want to go because I want to stay positive that we did it this cycle. I know I have to go so we don't waste a cycle but I know after that appointment I will be very stressed and have to wait 4 or 5 more days to find out. I thought about calling and changing my appointment to later in the week because by then I might know if I test early but I doubt they have any appointments available at this point because it usually takes a few weeks to get in...thus the reason for the "what if" appointment anyway.

Wish us luck that we caught that little eggie this cycle!!!

No Trigger...

So I went today for my follicle scan and for my trigger shot and it was a bust. My left ovary produced NOTHING and my right produced 3 teeny tiny ones and one WAY too big one. The big one measured 30mm and they like them to be 18-25mm. The nurse told me that since mine was so big it might just be a cyst with no egg in it. I left the office crying. I have no idea why we can get pregnant 3 times in one year on our own but with fertilty meds I might not even Ovulate! I had to come to work and all I wanted to do was go home and curl up on the couch with Brian. However, I happened to have some ovulation sticks in my purse (who doesn't?? LOL) so I did one and it was positive. I really think there is an egg in there because in the almost year and a half I have been charting I have NEVER not ovulated. I am a little frustrated that I am not going to get the convenience of knowing exactly which day I will ovulate this cycle since I didn't get the trigger but I have done it before and I can do it again. I just hope I release an egg. I have to believe that I will because otherwise I will just be depressed the next 2-3 weeks. The nurse did tell me that this doesn't count as our third and final try though so we still get to try again. I am going to keep my RE appt on the 7th and see what he wants to do if I am not pregnant this time...or even next.
I am just frustrated...why does this have to be so difficult for us???

Lasik...

I had Lasik!!! I had it done on Monday afternoon and that evening I was to go home and keep my eyes closed for the rest of the day. I thought that would be hard but it really wasn't. They were stinging so much and watering that I didn't want to open them!!! The stinging really only lasted a few hours and the next morning I could see the alarm clock!!! Yesterday they were a little scratchy but today they feel great! I get blurry if I stare at the computer or watch TV too long but other than that it is great! They said over the next few weeks I might get a little blurry now and then and that is normal. I went to my post op appt on Tues and I could read the next to bottom line and I could make out a few letters on the bottom! They said I should be able to read the bottom line when I go back in a month! Before my lasik I couldn't even see the big E at the top! So for anyone considering it I highly recommend it!!! My contacts and glasses both gave me migraines so I am glad I did it now. That is one reason I didn't wait until after I had a baby because there is nothing I can take for migraines while pregnant so hopefully now I won't have them...or at least not as often as before.

As far as our Journey is concerned I took my Femara and I have my follicle scan and trigger on Saturday! Then it is the waiting game. This is our last try on this regime of meds. Last time it took us 3 tries so I am hoping this one is it. Third time is a charm right?!?!?!

No Christmas Baby...

We struck out on our second try this time around. For some reason I just knew it wasn't going to be easy this time. I am doing ok with it, I have had lots to distract me over the last week and now I am just ready to get started on a new cycle. I called the RE yesterday to schedule my follicle scan and get meds re-ordered and we talked about this being our third try. Originally he told us he would give us three tries and then reevaluate what we are doing and most likely do a laproscopy to check for endometriosis. Normally endometriosis prevents people from being able to get pregnant and he told us that it doesn't or *rarely* cause miscarriage. I have some symptoms of endo so I think I might have it and the longer I have been off birth control pills, the worse it might get and therefore make it harder to get pregnant again. Of course I hope that I just get pregnant this cycle and we won't have to worry about it but I have to be realistic and be prepared for it. I went ahead and made an appt to discuss our options in case I am not pregnant. I made it for May 7th which will be too soon to know if I will be pregnant this cycle but this way we won't waste a cycle if I am not pregnant and have to wait to see what the next step is.

I really had my heart set on a Christmas baby. At first I actually thought about not even trying last cycle because I didn't want a December due date but that thought only lasted about 2 seconds! I thought it would be the best Christmas present ever. Now we are trying for a little Birthday present for me!

Bypass...

I know this isn't related to making a baby but it is significant in our lives so I thought it should be added to our journey. Mom had her bypass surgery Monday, 4/7 and she is doing well. It was such a relief when the Dr. came out and said they had finished. They weren't sure before they went in if they were going to do three or four grafts but they did have to do four. The Dr. said it was a little more difficult than normal because of the extent of her heart disease but that it was successful. She was able to come off the ventilator with no problems and has been a good sport about doing her breathing exercises. She is still on some IV meds that help her heart to squeeze better because it is pretty weak in general and now the trauma of surgery. They are weaning them and she should be able to go without them soon. She will stay at the hospital through the weekend and maybe go home Monday or Tuesday. I am really pleased with how she is doing and she is being very brave. She has had some wonderful nurses and RTs...it helps that they know my sister is a nurse at the same hospital and that I am an RT! I am sure they would be good to her regardless but it helps I think! My dad did really well all week, even when we saw her still on the ventilator. I was pleasantly surprised that he was as calm as he was all day the day of surgery. He is usually very restless and can't stand waiting all day for anything. It was a long day but at the same time it went by fast if that makes any sense. The whole week actually seemed to fly by. I am glad the worst part is over. Mom is working on getting her strength back so that might be the worst part for her but we are here to help her along the way.

Our first angelversary...

A year ago today I was having a D&C after losing my first baby, Jordan. His/her due date has come and gone and I have lost 2 more babies since then and I just can't believe that I am still without a baby. I thought for sure this time last year that by now I would be holding a baby or at least pregnant with a healthy one. It has been a long, long year for me. There still seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I am 3 DPO today and for some reason I just have this horrible feeling that we have no chance of being pregnant right now. I started my heparin this morning and I just kept thinking that it was a waste because there is no way I am pregnant. I don't really have any reason to think that. Our timing was perfect. I guess I am just trying not to get my hopes up because I was sure I was pregnant last cycle and I was so sad when I wasn't. Today is going to be hard for me. The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was that a year ago my life was turned upside down. I had been so naiive to think it would never happen to me and when it did it was devastating. Still after that I thought well it can never happen twice...and it can never happen a third time. What makes me think that even if I do get pregnant again that I won't lose another? I am not ready to give up but I am terrified that I will have to go through the pain of another loss. But I have to try because I know the end result will be worth it to be holding my baby in my arms.

~~Happy Angelversary Jordan. Mommy and Daddy miss you and think about you every day. We only had you for a short time but you will be forever in our hearts.~~

Trigger #2...

So today was my follicle scan and I had an appt at 8:15am. The office is about 25-30 min away so I was planning on leaving the house around 7:45. Brian got up around 6am (I know he is weird!) and I remember thinking oh I can lay here for another hour and then I will get up. WELL...next thing I know I woke up and rolled over to see the clock and guess what time it was??? 8:15!!!!!!!!!! OMG I was supposed to be there NOW!!!!!! I ran to the bathroom and threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt, swiped some deo, brushed my teeth, and ran a brush through my bed head...I looked BAD!! I didn't care I just had to GO! So I tried calling the office and I was forwarded to the answering service because they are only open on Saturdays to do scans and follicle checks and that sort of thing. They didn't have their phones on! I had no idea if I was the last appt or not so I didn't want them to leave thinking I wasn't showing up! I am not even going to tell you how fast I was driving! Thank goodness it is the weekend and the interstate was empty! I got there right at 8:45 and on my way I had called the answering service back and they couldn't get through to give them a message but she did fax them to tell them I was running late! So I get there and there were 3 couples waiting but they took me right back. I was soooo relieved!!!

So the results of my scan were great! My uterine lining is 9mm (they like it to be at least 7mm thick) and my left ovary (the one that did nothing last cycle) had one follicle that was 15mm. They want them to be at least 18. So she went to my right and there was a nice big one that was 19mm!!! There were also two more tiny ones and she didn't tell me what they measured but by comparing it to the other one it looked to me like they were only around 5-7mm. That is fine though because I don't think I could have 4 babies! So technically there is only one that is mature enough but I know someone who was told she had 3 follicles, one was just right, one was too ripe, and one was too small...and she shouldn't worry about having more than one...well guess what??? She now has triplets! So I think the really tiny ones are not going to be mature enough but the 15mm one I am not ruling out...along with the 19mm one of course! So there is a TINY chance that if we conceive I could get my wish of twins!!!! I am, of course, not going to set my hopes on it because I would die for just one baby and I would never be disappointed if we had one but a girl can dream right!!!!

No Turkey Baby...

I was hoping for a little Thanksgiving baby but it looks like we will be trying for a Christmas baby instead. I tested all weekend and they all came up negative. I knew it would have been too good to be true if we had been successful our first try this time. I have been so upset the past few days and it doesn't help that I was taking progesterone so my body was trying to do one thing and I was telling it to do another. I stopped the prometrium and heparin yesterday and my period showed up on time today. I figured we have a 50% success rate...the first time we got pregnant on our second cycle, the second time we got pregnant the first try, and the third time we got it on the third cycle. So 3 out of 6 tries isn't bad!!! That gives me hope for this cycle! I know I am going to be terrified when I am pregnant again so part of me wonders why I am so anxious to be pregnant again. I know pregnancy is going to be tough and emotional and stressful but in the end I will be holding a baby...MY BABY! It is amazing what we will put ourselves through to get something that precious. I want it so bad that it makes me ache. Literally, I am aching all over because I know one day it will happen...I just wish I knew how much more pain I have to endure to get there.

I will start my Femara this week and do the same plan as last cycle. I will have an ultrasound to check for egg development after finishing the Femara and then after ovulation I will do the heparin and prometrium again as well. I decided to chart this cycle because I wasn't sure exactly when or even IF I ovulated last cycle. I was less stressed by not charting but at the same time it stressed me out more by not knowing exactly what was going on...I need to be in control! Soo...I am including my charting ticker that is also a link to my chart here in my blog.

I feel like I am just tired...I am tired of having to TRY so hard and tired of the heartache and tired of the disappointment. I think all of this has made me stronger...but at the same time it is wearing me out. How much can one person handle? How long is it going to take us to get pregnant again and is that pregnancy going to finally be the one that is meant to succeed? I hate not knowing what lies ahead...I guess that is just life.

Trigger #1...

I took the Femara last week with surprisingly no side effects! Friday I went for an ultrasound to be sure I had at least one mature egg...and I did! Technically there were 3 eggs but only one was big enough to count. I was told not to worry about multiples! Then I was given the HCG trigger shot. It wasn't bad and then it was supposed to make me ovulate between 36-40 hours later which would put it at late Saturday/Early Sunday. Tomorrow is 5 days since the trigger so I will start my prometrium and heparin in the morning! I am nervous about giving myself an injection but the needles are soo tiny that I don't think it will be too bad. I am expecting to bruise just because heparin is a blood thinner. I did a little experiment today. I took a pregnancy test because I wanted to make sure the HCG from the trigger is out of my system. It had a very faint second line. I want to see the test go back to negative so that way when I test in a couple weeks I know that the trigger shot is out of my system so any line I see means I am pregnant! I sooo want to see that line. I will be ok if it didn't work the first try but I am just sooo anxious to be pregnant and get the first trimester over with!

Change of plans...

Soo I know we were going to wait until May to try again but after some discussion we decided to try NOW! The only reason we were going to wait was because I won't have any FMLA time off from work available again until next year. But after talking to my manager at work we found out I can apply for a discretionary leave of absence and he would approve it if it came to that! So now that we know I can have time off and not lose my job there is nothing stopping us from going ahead and trying for our miracle baby!!! I took my first Femara today and I will take it for 5 days and then I will have an ultrasound on Friday the 29th to check for egg development. If all is well at the ultrasound I will get the trigger shot! I am beyond excited that we are starting this process now. I just hope that it does the trick and we get our miracle baby out of it!!!

Our newest addition...

So as I said in one of my previous posts I have a new distraction to help me get through this tough time. I had been begging Brian for a puppy since we moved into our new house last summer and we finally did it! She is an 8 week old Golden Retriever and such a little sweetheart. Her name is Ginger and her big brother, Jasper loves her too...well sometimes! Here are some pictures of her first weekend at her new home.

Too Many Anniversaries...

I thought that my due dates would be difficult to get through but I never thought I would still not be pregnant by the one year anniversary of when I lost any of them. The first due date was in October and I was sad most of the day but at the time I was pregnant so it was easier to handle. I thought I was carrying a healthy baby so all the pain of losing the first two were worth it to be carrying a healthy baby. A few days ago was my second due date. I thought for sure I would be pregnant by this time and wouldn't have to worry about it.
There are just so many dates coming up in the next few months to remind me of my losses. Not just due dates but anniversaries of when we found out we were pregnant and when we found out we lost them.

Jordan-EDD October 27th
January 19th-LMP
Feb 15th-Found out I was pregnant.
March 15th-Ultrasound showing the ugly black hole.
March 30th-Ultrasound to confirm it was over.
April 3rd-D&C

Skylar-EDD February 10th
May 5th-LMP
June 2nd-Found out I was pregnant.
June 6th-Found out it was over...pregnancy hormone not rising.
June 11th-Natural miscarriage

Gabriel-EDD June 15th
September 8th-LMP
October 5th-Found out I was pregnant.
November 7th-Ultrasound showing tiny baby with no heartbeat.
November 13th D&C

I know every one of these dates by heart...who knows if they will stick with me forever. I just know the next few months are full of anniversaries and knowing I won't be pregnant will make them that much harder. I am just glad I didn't find out I was pregnant the first time on Valentine's Day.

Moving on...but never forgetting

How does one "move on" after a loss...or three, but not forget? I feel this time off work has given me plenty of time to heal and I feel more peace about losing my angels but what now? I am not looking forward to going back to work. I don't know why but I feel like I need a new start...somewhere where people don't know my history. But at the same time some of those people have been very supportive and I miss that. I wonder if people will think I am crazy for still grieving over my babies. I wonder if I seem depressed...I am not really depressed, just sad...it is hard to explain. I don't want people who read this blog to think I am depressed all the time! I know that is all I talk about here but it is because this is my release. It is how I get all the sad feelings out without burdening my family and friends everyday and making them feel like they have to say something to cheer me up. I am ok but sad...who wouldn't be?

I never want to forget my babies. I never want to pretend they didn't exist. I need to remember them. From the moment I found out I was pregnant each time I had plans and dreams for that baby that I will never get to see fulfilled. I dreamed about who he/she would look like and act like. Now I will never know...how is that supposed to not hurt? Coming up in the next few days is the due date for our second baby, Skylar. And April 3rd is the one year anniversary of when I officially lost our first baby, Jordan. The next few months will be hard as I get through those milestones and still not be pregnant with a healthy baby. Not that a new baby will in any way replace the three that I lost.

So how does one "move on" without forgetting? I got a fresh new haircut and I am getting a new puppy! I guess that is a start. I think the puppy will be a nice distraction in the next few months.

We are planning on planting a tree as a memorial for our babies. I haven't decided on the type of tree yet though. We also have our Willow Tree Angels that are on our mantle surrounding the Willow Tree couple that represent Brian and I. I know they are watching over us.

Waiting...

We have decided to wait until my May cycle to start trying. We wanted to make sure I had a couple of cycles after the D&C to heal. We also have to wait until I would have a due date not sooner than late January, early Feb of 2009. That seems soooo far away! The main reason is because right now I am off work because of my foot surgeries and I am taking all the FMLA time I have. I won't have another full 12 weeks to take if we don't wait a few months. I thought at first it would be easy to wait because I was so torn with the last loss that I didn't want to try again so soon. But now I am feeling better...I miss my babies like crazy but I feel that I am ready to "move on." I will never forget them but at the same time I am really ready to try for our miracle baby. I am terrified to miscarry again but you never know unless you try right? We will never have our baby unless we go for it head on. I have decided I am ready but now because of a technicality with work and FMLA rules we have to wait. How crappy is that! I can't wait to start this next process and see if it works. I am excited at the thought that it just might do the trick and the next pregnancy will be "the one" that makes it.

So in the meantime, what do I do with my time? I am still healing from my foot surgeries so I am home alone all day during the week. There are things I could be doing to pass the time...like finishing some scrapbooking. I always put that off because I really only have a couple of pages that need to be done but everytime I go up there to work on them I wish I had baby pics to do. I can't wait to scrap my baby's pics!!! I also could be working on the two afghans I had started to crochet but crocheting makes me tired and I am already so weak and tired all the time just from doing nothing all the time...I really need to recondition myself once I am able to walk again.

Anyway, here I sit...waiting to become a mother. Missing my babies and wondering if they are the only angels I will have or if I will have to send another one to join them. I pray that I don't.

Our journey so far...

A year ago, just a month after our wedding, we decided that it was time to start trying for a baby. We were so excited and naive about the whole thing. I had watched my sister try for over a year to get pregnant and I saw how hard it was on her. I thought the sooner we started to try the sooner it would happen. We were beyond ourselves with excitement when we got pregnant on only our second month of trying!!! I found out I was pregnant the day after Valentine's day. I thought I may have problems getting pregnant but the thought of miscarriage was so far out of my mind. I thought that could never happen to me so when we got pregnant so fast I thought we were home free. I spent the next 4 weeks planning and bonding with my baby. We went to our 8 week ultrasound believing everything was perfect. Then we saw the empty black hole. It was the ugliest black hole I had ever seen. My OB wanted us to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound to make sure there really wasn't anything there. She said our dates could have been off. I knew my dates were right because I had been charting. It was the worst two weeks of my life. Not knowing for sure if my baby had died. I couldn't deal with a loss because in my heart I hadn't lost anything yet. I wanted so bad to go back and see a flickering HB but again we saw the same empty hole. I had a D&C the following week because I still hadn't miscarried naturally.

Immediately after our loss I was ready to try again. I knew we could get pregnant and I wanted it again so badly. There was no way in my mind I could miscarry a second time so the sooner I got pregnant the sooner we would have our baby. We waited until my first cycle after the D&C and that cycle we didn't "try" but didn't prevent. I guess I tried a little harder than I said I would. How could I not try when I wanted it so bad. We did get pregnant that cycle and we were so excited that it was so easy. This time my OB wanted to draw labs for my HCG level and progesterone level. My HCG was 53 at 14 DPO (days post ovulation) and progesterone was 19. Everything was fine as long as the HCG doubled in 2 days. Two days later the HCG was only 55. It was over. I had 4 whole days to be excited about this one. I had to wait another 5 days until I started to bleed. My HCG went all the way back down to zero after that. How could this happen twice?? What was wrong with me?? I was crushed. We did a lot of testing after that loss to possibly find an answer. We tested for lupus anticoagulant, anticardiolipin antibodies, antinuclear antibodies, and thyroid stimulating hormone. We also each had our chromosomes checked. All these tests were normal. I then had an HSG to check the shape of my uterus and my tubes and they were perfectly normal. At this point we were excited and thought that nothing was wrong with me...we thought we had just had bad luck. We began trying after my first cycle.

This time it took us 3 months to get pregnant. I thought since this one took longer to get then it meant it would stick around longer. I got labs drawn again. HCG at 12 DPO was 15 and progesterone was 20. HCG at 15 DPO was 86 and a week later was over 1200 and progesterone was up to 23. We thought this was perfect! Nice high numbers and doubling perfectly. I spent the next 4 weeks nauseated and exhausted! PERFECT!!! I finally felt pregnant!!! This was it. This was our miracle baby. I was nervous about the ultrasound because I wasn't letting myself get too excited until I saw the HB. We went and I took a deep breath before I layed on the table and then we saw it. The tiniest little baby. Just a little dot inside the sac and it was perfectly still. No HB. It was over. I was a little over 8 weeks and the baby measured about 6 1/2 weeks. I was a hysterical mess in the Dr.s office. I begged the Ultrasound tech to keep looking for the HB. It had to be there. I couldn't leave that office and face my family and tell them that I had lost another baby. They were all so excited about this one and we had stayed so positive that this one was going to be the one. I don't remember much of that day. I wanted to have another ultrasound the next week before we had a D&C. It was the same. I had a D&C the following day, November 13th.

Now what??? Didn't we test for everything before?? What is causing me to lose my babies??? We had the placenta tested for a possible cause and it came back as normal male chromosomes. My baby was a perfect little boy. We decided to name him since we knew it was a boy. I had been content calling them my angels until I knew I had a baby boy. Then I couldn't name one and not the others so we found two gender neutral names for them. Our angels are Jordan, Skylar and Gabriel.

After the third loss, my OB sent us to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Our first appt was Dec. 12th. He wanted to do a test to see if I have antipaternal antibodies. He had looked over all my history and what tests we had already done and this was the next logical step. After almost 2 weeks of waiting we found out that test was normal. Then I had more bloodwork drawn for more testing. This time it was for Factor V Leiden, MTHFR, Protein S and Protein C, and prothrombin mutation. After another 2 weeks I had a follow-up appt with my RE on January 15th. We went over the results of all the testing and basically everything was normal. So it is good and bad at the same time. Good because there is nothing terribly wrong with me that makes him think I will never carry a child but bad because we don't know what is wrong so we don't know exactly how to fix it. The only thing that came back slighty abnormal was that I have a mutation of the MTHFR gene. Some believe there is no link between this and recurrent loss but some do. It is not a direct clotting factor but can increase homocysteine levels which is a clotting factor. It can also inhibit my body from absorbing folic acid, B6 and B12. He said that 20% of people with recurrent loss never find a cause. That may be because there are things that just have not been discovered as a cause and therefore there is no testing for it.

So here is the plan. When start on the cycle we start trying again (we are thinking about starting again in May) I will start Femara. I will take this for 5 days. The idea is that it will help to produce a better, healthier, more mature egg (or two...aahhh!). Femara also helps to thicken the lining of the uterus to make a better place for the egg to implant. Then 5 days after I stop the meds I will have an u/s to make sure I have at least one mature egg. If so then I will get an injection of HCG to trigger ovulation. Then we go home and...you know! No pressure! Five days after the shot I will start taking prometrium to help support the possible pregnancy and also start taking heparin injections. We don't really have a reason for the heparin except that it might treat the MTHFR that we don't even know for sure is an issue but since we don't know what is causing the miscarriages we don't know if heparin will work or not...it might. My RE has had patients with recurrent loss and no cause take it and have a healthy baby...we don't know if the heparin is what helped but since it wont hurt I said I wanted to do it. I will also be taking baby aspirin up until I start the heparin. Heparin does not cross the placenta so there is no danger to a baby. I also told him about the urologist thinking I have endometriosis and he said if I don't get pregnant after 3 tries he would do a laparoscopy and remove any endo or if I have another miscarriage he would do it. So that made me feel better.

So the journey so far has been a rough one...I am hoping 2008 will bring us our miracle baby.