Would have been Father's Day...

Just when I think I am safe because I made it through Mother's day, here comes Father's day. I think I am taking this one harder than Mother's day for some reason. I feel bad for Brian because not only is he missing out on Father's day but he is also having to miss out on the birth of his son. Gabriel was due today. What a great Father's day gift that would have been. I can't imagine anything I could give him better than a child. I am so sorry that I can't. It is not his fault he doesn't have a child to hold today. He deserves to be a father today and every day.

I found this poem today and I thought it was perfect for Daddy from his Angels.

Happy Father's day my Daddy, from your Angel up above, I'm looking down on you today, and sending you my love. I know you still miss me, deep inside your heart, and if I had a choice, we would never be apart. I know you wish you could have changed things, and have me there with you, to keep mommy from crying, I know anything you would do. But I'm with the Father Daddy, and he rocks me in his arms. He tells me all about you, and keeps me safe from harm. He tells me someday we will be together, never again to be apart, and I know until I see you then, I will be inside your heart. ~Author Unknown

And one from Mommy to Gabriel:

Today is the due date
For you to be born.
But all I have is An emptiness to mourn.
Mommy's arms are empty With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

This should have been the time
For the anticipation of your arrival.
But no one seems to be remembering
To share in my grief or sorrow.
You were a life Created from love.
You were a gift
That was sent from above.

Why couldn't you join us
To become a family.
You'd have had parents who loved you
And whom I'm sure you'd adore.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

Father's Day is getting nearer.
The date we were told you would be here.
Instead of excitement, joy, and celebration, I shed yet another tear.
Your nursery is still empty.

There isn't a day that goes by
When I haven't thought of you.
Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be
Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.

I know that you have gone
To a much better place.
Knowing that the grace of God
Is shining on your face.

I see another baby.
I think of you then, too.
Wondering what you'd have looked like
As you giggle, cry, and coo.
But I will never know these things
Because you will never be here.
But in my heart you'll always be
My baby, my angel, my dear.

It doesn't make it easier.
For the pain I have is still here.
I will never forget you, my little one.
That fact remains quite clear.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is still cold.


Ultrasound picture of Gabriel at 8 weeks. He was too tiny and too still but still perfect to me.

Our second angelversary...

A year ago today my life was again turned upside down when I lost our second baby, Skylar. It seems so surreal sitting here and realizing that it has already been a year. I thought for sure a year from then I would be at least pregnant with a healthy baby. Now here I sit with nothing but the memories of the short few days I knew I had Sklyar. I was only able to enjoy that pregnancy for 4 days before I found out that I would lose him/her. It was another 5 days before I actually did miscarry.

Why do I do this to myself...why do I remember these dates that most people would deem insignificant because the pregnancies never resulted in a baby to hold in my arms? Why? Well, because those babies made me a mother. Those babies are a part of my life whether they are in my arms or watching me from above. I have nothing to hold on to but those dates. June is an interesting one for me. I found out I was pregnant for the second time and miscarried a year ago today. I was pregnant again for a third time and due this June 15th, Father's Day. After three losses it seems that once I make it through one date there is always another date looming in the near future.

It is funny because I never got to the point where I was "showing" in any of my pregnancies but the moment I lost them I felt empty. I still feel empty and I can't wait to have that feeling back. Right now we are waiting for my next cycle to start trying again. We decided to wait one cycle after my surgery instead of trying right away. As much as I wanted to start right away I thought it was best to give my body time to heal. I am hoping in about 3 weeks we will be starting the meds. Time can't go quickly enough!

~~Dear Skylar~~
To the baby that I carried
But never saw your eyes
Or told you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.
You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.

~~Happy Angelversary Skylar. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much and you will always be a part of our family and a part of our hearts.~~