Follicle Scan...

I had an ultrasound this morning to check on my follicles and it was good news this time! I have 2 mature follicles so we are all set for IUI on Monday! My sister will be giving me my trigger shot tonight at 830 pm and it will make me ovulate 36 hours later. My IUI is scheduled for 830 am on Monday...36 hours later. I am nervous and anxious and trying to stay calm. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down again but at the same time I have to stay positive. I am hopeful because we are doing something different this time. After a 2 month break just doing anything is wonderful but this will definately increase our chances!

I just hope it is finally our turn for a healthy baby. After 2 years of seeing people pass us by it can get a little painful. I am not saying I don't want other people to have their babies...I just want mine too! I am just ready to not be stuck in time watching the rest of the world go by. I am ready for the next chapter...I've been ready since before Brian and I were even married! Obviously we waited until after the wedding to try and when we got pregnant so fast I was so excited. I realized the other day that if I had not lost our first baby we would be thinking about trying for number two about now. We had talked about trying when our first was a year old...that would be now. Kind of surreal when I think about it. But we aren't working on number two...we are still working on a miracle.

No more cyst...

I had my ultrasound this morning to check on the cyst and our little friend has gone bye bye!!! No more cyst so I got the all clear to stop the birth control pills and start our IUI cycle. The plan is to start my meds next week and two weeks from today I will have my follicle scan. If all goes well I will have the IUI on Monday 12/1! Finally some good news and a new start. Hopefully, the good news just keeps coming at the end of this cycle too! Wish us luck!!

Angelversary...

One year ago today I was having a D&C after losing our third baby. One year ago today if you had told me I still wouldn't be pregnant with a healthy baby I wouldn't have believed you. I thought for sure I would at least be pregnant right now. I have noticed I keep saying "I thought for sure..." I guess I shouldn't assume anything at this point. It is just surreal sometimes...like this really isn't my life. How could it be? I have the perfect husband, great house, great job, wonderful family and yet there is still something missing. I just need that final piece to the puzzle to complete the picture. There will always be an empty place in my heart for all my angels that can never be replaced, but there is also an empty place for future babies that I hope will be filled. I still miss my babies. I don't think that will ever go away.

I still think about what they would be doing right now if I had not lost them. We would have just celebrated Jordan's first birthday. The worst part about the one year anniversary of my due date for Jordan was the fact that I didn't realize it until half the day was over. I just happened to glance at the calendar as I walked by in my kitchen and realized what the date was and it stopped me in my tracks. All of a sudden I realized that instead of sitting around being sad I could have been throwing a birthday party that day. I didn't even post about it because once I realized what day it was I really didn't know what to do or say about it.Today is different. Today I am reminded of how it felt to go to sleep pregnant and wake up with the most empty feeling you could ever imagine. And I am still empty. Still waiting...


~~Gabriel~~
Today is the anniversary of when you became an angel. You will forever be in my heart and I will never forget the short time I had with you.

Two years...

Two years ago today I married the love of my life. The funny thing is that the past few weeks I have been sitting in my living room looking at our wedding pictures on the wall and thinking how happy I was that day. I was. I had so much fun on our wedding day. I was a mad woman up to the day with planning and making sure everything was perfect and by the time the day came I was able to just relax and enjoy it. I look at those pictures and think about how I thought all my days of stressing was over. I was married! I had nothing to lose and a future of wonderful memories ahead. Now I completely understand the saying that ignorance is bliss. I am glad I could enjoy my wedding day without knowing the near future. I dreamt of the day we would start a family and at that time my only problem was convincing my husband to start trying as soon as possible. I just couldn't wait to become a mommy and to make Brian a daddy. Then one night about a month after our wedding Brian spelled the word "babies" during a scrabble game to tell me that he was ready. I will never forget that night. It was the beginning of our life together and the beginning of our family. Little did I know that the next two years would be the most trying of my life. It isn't our marriage that has been hard...in fact it has only gotten stronger. I laugh when people ask me if the stress of losing our babies and fertility treatments has affected our marriage. Seriously? Do people really think that could cause a problem in our marriage? Maybe for some couples it does but we are much stronger than that. We figure that if we can make it through 3 losses (two of which happened while living in his parents' basement) followed by a year of infertility then we can make it through anything!

Brian has been my rock the past two years and I honestly think I would have broken down long ago if it weren't for his support. He is the one that sees my tears day after day. He is the one that knows to just hold me and not ask what is wrong. He is the one that makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He is the one that always has a positive attitude and never lets me give up. He is the one that I want to make a daddy.

**To my Husband**
How do I begin to tell you how lucky I am
to have you in my life?
I'll start by saying what an honor it is
for me to be your wife.

You're my best friend in the good times
and my rock in times of sorrow.
You're the reason for sweet yesterdays
and my promise for tomorrow.

I never thought I could feel this loved
until I became your wife.
You made the last two years
the best ones of my life. ~Author Unknown