Angelversary...

One year ago today I was having a D&C after losing our third baby. One year ago today if you had told me I still wouldn't be pregnant with a healthy baby I wouldn't have believed you. I thought for sure I would at least be pregnant right now. I have noticed I keep saying "I thought for sure..." I guess I shouldn't assume anything at this point. It is just surreal sometimes...like this really isn't my life. How could it be? I have the perfect husband, great house, great job, wonderful family and yet there is still something missing. I just need that final piece to the puzzle to complete the picture. There will always be an empty place in my heart for all my angels that can never be replaced, but there is also an empty place for future babies that I hope will be filled. I still miss my babies. I don't think that will ever go away.

I still think about what they would be doing right now if I had not lost them. We would have just celebrated Jordan's first birthday. The worst part about the one year anniversary of my due date for Jordan was the fact that I didn't realize it until half the day was over. I just happened to glance at the calendar as I walked by in my kitchen and realized what the date was and it stopped me in my tracks. All of a sudden I realized that instead of sitting around being sad I could have been throwing a birthday party that day. I didn't even post about it because once I realized what day it was I really didn't know what to do or say about it.Today is different. Today I am reminded of how it felt to go to sleep pregnant and wake up with the most empty feeling you could ever imagine. And I am still empty. Still waiting...


~~Gabriel~~
Today is the anniversary of when you became an angel. You will forever be in my heart and I will never forget the short time I had with you.