Angelversary...

One year ago today I was having a D&C after losing our third baby. One year ago today if you had told me I still wouldn't be pregnant with a healthy baby I wouldn't have believed you. I thought for sure I would at least be pregnant right now. I have noticed I keep saying "I thought for sure..." I guess I shouldn't assume anything at this point. It is just surreal sometimes...like this really isn't my life. How could it be? I have the perfect husband, great house, great job, wonderful family and yet there is still something missing. I just need that final piece to the puzzle to complete the picture. There will always be an empty place in my heart for all my angels that can never be replaced, but there is also an empty place for future babies that I hope will be filled. I still miss my babies. I don't think that will ever go away.

I still think about what they would be doing right now if I had not lost them. We would have just celebrated Jordan's first birthday. The worst part about the one year anniversary of my due date for Jordan was the fact that I didn't realize it until half the day was over. I just happened to glance at the calendar as I walked by in my kitchen and realized what the date was and it stopped me in my tracks. All of a sudden I realized that instead of sitting around being sad I could have been throwing a birthday party that day. I didn't even post about it because once I realized what day it was I really didn't know what to do or say about it.Today is different. Today I am reminded of how it felt to go to sleep pregnant and wake up with the most empty feeling you could ever imagine. And I am still empty. Still waiting...


~~Gabriel~~
Today is the anniversary of when you became an angel. You will forever be in my heart and I will never forget the short time I had with you.

Two years...

Two years ago today I married the love of my life. The funny thing is that the past few weeks I have been sitting in my living room looking at our wedding pictures on the wall and thinking how happy I was that day. I was. I had so much fun on our wedding day. I was a mad woman up to the day with planning and making sure everything was perfect and by the time the day came I was able to just relax and enjoy it. I look at those pictures and think about how I thought all my days of stressing was over. I was married! I had nothing to lose and a future of wonderful memories ahead. Now I completely understand the saying that ignorance is bliss. I am glad I could enjoy my wedding day without knowing the near future. I dreamt of the day we would start a family and at that time my only problem was convincing my husband to start trying as soon as possible. I just couldn't wait to become a mommy and to make Brian a daddy. Then one night about a month after our wedding Brian spelled the word "babies" during a scrabble game to tell me that he was ready. I will never forget that night. It was the beginning of our life together and the beginning of our family. Little did I know that the next two years would be the most trying of my life. It isn't our marriage that has been hard...in fact it has only gotten stronger. I laugh when people ask me if the stress of losing our babies and fertility treatments has affected our marriage. Seriously? Do people really think that could cause a problem in our marriage? Maybe for some couples it does but we are much stronger than that. We figure that if we can make it through 3 losses (two of which happened while living in his parents' basement) followed by a year of infertility then we can make it through anything!

Brian has been my rock the past two years and I honestly think I would have broken down long ago if it weren't for his support. He is the one that sees my tears day after day. He is the one that knows to just hold me and not ask what is wrong. He is the one that makes me laugh when all I want to do is cry. He is the one that always has a positive attitude and never lets me give up. He is the one that I want to make a daddy.

**To my Husband**
How do I begin to tell you how lucky I am
to have you in my life?
I'll start by saying what an honor it is
for me to be your wife.

You're my best friend in the good times
and my rock in times of sorrow.
You're the reason for sweet yesterdays
and my promise for tomorrow.

I never thought I could feel this loved
until I became your wife.
You made the last two years
the best ones of my life. ~Author Unknown

Again we wait...

Well first off, the sperm analysis came back completely normal. I wasn't surprised because I have been pregnant 3 times but since it has been a year I just wanted to make sure things haven't changed. Of course Brian knew it would be normal...he says he has super sperm. Doesn't every man think that! So that just confirms that I am the complete problem. I can't carry a baby and now I can't even get pregnant again to try to carry a baby. I am broken. My body has failed me and just to kick me while I am down it decided that a cyst on my ovary would be a good idea. Yep folks, I am forced to sit out yet another cycle because I have a stupid cyst on my right ovary. We finally decide to move on to something more aggressive (IUI) and I went in for my baseline ultrasound and there it was...an ugly, stupid cyst. And to top it off I get to take birth control! YAY! (sense the sarcasm?) The birth control will help to shrink the cyst and I have to go back in three weeks to check on the progress. I am praying that it will be gone and we only have to sit out one more cycle. It just seems so odd every morning to take a birth control pill when the one thing I want more than anything in the world is to be PREGNANT! I have actually prepared myself for the possibility of sitting out 2 cycles because the last time I was on birth control for my laparoscopy I spotted so much during that month that by the time my period was due I had no lining to shed and therefore never got a "flow" which is necessary in determining the exact cycle days to start meds. I had to sit out an extra cycle that time so I will not be surprised if it happens again.

Seriously, when will it be our turn? Why is it so easy for everyone else and we can't catch a break? I know it will be worth all the pain in the end when I am finally holding my baby but I am really over all of this. If one more person tells me to just relax and it will happen I will scream. If one more person tells me that they know someone who just stopped trying and got pregnant I will scream. People have to remember that just getting pregnant is only half the battle for me and I can't risk getting pregnant again without being on my meds to prevent another miscarriage...so therefore I CAN'T JUST STOP TRYING and see what happens. I don't get the luxury of just not preventing and hoping it will happen. I am just frustrated...

October 15th...

Today a tear falls.
They start to fall like rain.
My heart feels broken.
Forever there will be pain.

There is a cloud in my life now.
Even on sunny days.
An emptiness, a longing,
A sadness that forever stays.

A sadness that is lonely.
A silent tear sneaks out.
My voice fails to scream,
What my heart wants to shout.

Unborn babies are precious.
Their brief moments with us mattered.
We feel love from the beginning.
Love continues after our hearts were shattered.

Today I should have my babies.
Baby Angels to love and touch.
But instead I have barely a reminder
Of those I love so much.

Sometimes I can peek beyond the clouds
To feel a little joy.
I feel the hope of a future
That includes a baby girl or boy.

But what if it never happens.
That's more than I can bear.
So I pray and try again.
I can't handle more despair.

Today's tears keep falling.
They rain and then they pour.
My babies may never be in my arms,
But they're in my heart forevermore.

Moving on...

So I am a little freaked out now! I went in to the appt. ready to talk about IUI (intrauterine insemination) and my RE was all set for IVF (in-vitro fertilization)! We talked about some things including my weight gain and my high risk for diabetes and he put me on metformin. I was thrilled with that idea and he said it should help me to lose weight and fight the insulin resistance. Then he asked how aggressive we wanted to be and I said (thinking moving on to IUI) whatever you think is best we are ready for. Then he said, well lets talk about IVF! I was like Oh I thought more like IUI first. I asked if it would be beneficial to do a SA (sperm analysis) even though I have been pregnant, something has obviously changed, whether it is me or him. He said that was a good idea and we will see what the results are and then decide from there which plan we will do, whether it is IUI or IVF. The problem now is that I made Brian an appt. for his SA and the earliest they can get him in is Monday...then it will take 2-3 days for the results. That puts it way too close to my period coming for my comfort. I am expecting it Wednesday or Thursday. Not much time to get used to the idea either way but I guess we will deal with it as it comes. I am fully expecting the SA to be normal so most likely we will be doing IUI. Brian and I also talked about trying on our own (with meds only) one more cycle since I am on the metformin and maybe that will be all we need. On one hand I think it would be a good idea because it will be cheaper because our insurance will cover it that way but not IUI. On the other hand I am so over all this that I just want to move on and do what is more likely to work!! I guess I have a week and a half to think about doing IUI or trying one last time on our own. That is of course if the SA is good. If not, there isn't a decision to make at all...it is on to IVF! So that is where I am...still confused!