14 Weeks...

I know it has been way too long since I have updated. To be honest there isn't much to say! This is a really hard part of pregnancy for me. I am starting to feel better, although I still have bad days now and then. I am still exhausted but as far as the constant nausea, I am feeling better...except for the occasional bout of vomiting and the fact that I still have zero appetite. The problem now is that I am getting extremely anxious! It is hard to imagine that my baby is still growing. I know it sounds silly but if you remember correctly my body has a history of not telling me when my babies stop growing. Now that I am feeling better and still not showing or feeling kicks I can't help but wonder...I know it is too early for those but it still makes me wonder. I know it will come soon enough and by the end I will be getting tired of being kicked in the ribs but for now I really need that reassurance that everything is still going ok. I have an OB appt in two weeks so I am just trying to relax as much as possible. I know stressing isn't good for the baby or for my blood pressure. I am ready to get to the fun stuff!

Hiccups...

Today we had our 12 week appointment with our OB. I was a week early (I am 11w 2d) but that's ok. We first met with the nurse and she went over how the rest of the pregnancy will go as far as when appointments are and certain tests, she drew some blood and answered some of our questions. There are three OBs in this practice and throughout my pregnancy I will meet with each of them at different appointments to get to know them in case my regular OB doesn't end up delivering me. I really hope she does though...I love her! She held my hand through three losses and even cried with us when we found out. I am sure the others are just as good but I really hope she is there when we deliver. So after the nurse meeting we met with my OB and she did the routine girly stuff and then listened for the baby's heartbeat with the doppler. She listened for what seemed like forever and couldn't hear it. Sometimes that happens this early and even though I knew that it still freaked me out a little. We did hear him (I say him just because it is easier and I don't like saying IT!) kick though! She had the doppler completely still and all of a sudden we would hear a big SWOOSH! So we knew he was in there but was just hiding from us! We went across the hall and did an ultrasound since we couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler (I wasn't complaining...I got to see my baby again!). I really couldn't believe how much bigger the baby is now! He was wiggling all around moving his arms around and opening and closing his mouth. We got to hear the heartbeat and noticed he kept jerking every few seconds...he had the hiccups! It was so cute! The ultrasound tech noticed my big cyst was still there and that was probably why we couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler because the cyst was in the way. No biggie...I got to see my baby again so I am glad it was still there!

Not much else to report...still feeling nauseous and exhausted. Some days I feel better than others and then it seems like the day after that is ten times worse! I know it should only be a few more weeks of this though. This is the hard part. I don't feel pregnant...I just feel like I have a horrible long lasting flu! I am not showing or feeling kicks this early so it is just weird. I am ready for the fun stuff! I do feel much better after seeing the baby today. Knowing he is growing well just reminds me that all this sickness is worth it and there really is someone growing in there!

Here is the baby...head is on the right and his hands are up in front of his face.

We have Graduated...

From the Fertility DR.! We had our 8 week ultrasound today and it was beautiful! Our little peanut is growing strong and still has a beautiful heartbeat! I think he looks like a little teddy bear...with just little arm and leg buds. So cute! We are measuring 8 weeks and 4 days...one day ahead of schedule! Dr. says everything looks perfect and we have been released back to my regular OB. It hasn't really sunk in yet that this is for real. I have never made it past an 8 week ultrasound and I had never seen a heartbeat before this pregnancy. This is really going to be the one!!! I can't believe it. I am still going to be a nervous wreck (obviously) until I am holding my healthy, breathing, crying baby in my arms in August but for now I can start to let it sink in that it is really going to happen this time! I love this little person so much already. Brian was cute because after the ultrasound I asked if he had seen the heartbeat right away and he said "Yeah, it was easy this time because I knew what I was looking at. It looked like an actual person instead of a little blob!" Our baby is growing so fast! It looks about three times as big as it was two weeks ago. Keep growing little peanut!!!

We have a...

HEARTBEAT!!!!
Today has been a roller coaster of emotions but ended very well! This morning I went to the bathroom and noticed some pink spotting. I started screaming and balling hysterically right there on the toilet and Brian had to calm me down. I just knew it was over. So I called my Dr. to see if they had an opening sooner but they didn't. I did talk to a nurse though who made me feel better. There was no cramping and it was just very light pink so she was not worried. She told me to put my feet up and wait for my appt. That was the longest 3 hours of my life (my appt. was at 215)! Brian played a few card games with me to pass the time and every time I went to the bathroom the spotting was less and less. I still had this horrible feeling that it was over. We got to the appt. and almost couldn't find the place because he practices at a few different offices and we had never been to this one. We finally made it and then had to wait about a half an hour to be called back. My Dr. came in the u/s room and was very sweet. I started balling and saying how scared I was because of the spotting and he made me feel a little better. Then the u/s tech came in and I was relieved it was one of the same girls from my regular office and I know she is very nice and explains everything she sees. As soon as we saw the sac I knew it looked different than last time. I could actually see the baby and not just a little dot...then she said it! "There is the heartbeat!" Brian and I both started crying and I felt bad because my belly was shaking all over the place and I knew she wasn't getting a good picture. She showed us a close up of the heart beat and it was sooooo perfect! At first I didn't see it through my tears but then I did. Just a little flicker inside the bean. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen (so far I am sure!). For someone who has only ever seen ugly black holes...this one was the most beautiful black hole with a flickering bean I have ever seen! I am so relieved...but still cautious of course. They said they were not concerned about the spotting (which seems to be gone now anyway) because implantation happens pretty much the whole first trimester as the placenta grows and burrows in. They did not see any blood in the sac or in my uterus so they are happy with that and said everything looks perfect! I will be taking it easy though just to be safe. We did not get a heart rate because the machine at that office does not have a doppler but in 2 weeks at my next u/s I will be at my regular office and they will be able to measure it then. Ok now that I have written a book....here are my pics of my little bean!!!!

This one was where she zoomed in to show us the heart beat...
Thank you all for the prayers and support! Keep them coming!

Nervous rant...

Our first ultrasound is tomorrow. I am so scared. Everything feels right this time. I am on the meds, I feel more pregnant. It all feels different but at the same time all I know is how to miscarry. All I have ever seen on an ultrasound screen is an empty black hole with a teeny tiny speck that is perfectly still. I don't know how to see a heartbeat. I can't wrap my brain around the possibility that it will be there because I have never seen it. When all you know is loss it is so hard to imagine life. I know it will be there in my heart but my mind cannot even begin to comprehend the possibility. I know after tomorrow I will be able to relax...I just wish it was NOW so I can finally know what it is like to see a beating heart on an ultrasound screen.

**rant over**