Again we wait...

Well first off, the sperm analysis came back completely normal. I wasn't surprised because I have been pregnant 3 times but since it has been a year I just wanted to make sure things haven't changed. Of course Brian knew it would be normal...he says he has super sperm. Doesn't every man think that! So that just confirms that I am the complete problem. I can't carry a baby and now I can't even get pregnant again to try to carry a baby. I am broken. My body has failed me and just to kick me while I am down it decided that a cyst on my ovary would be a good idea. Yep folks, I am forced to sit out yet another cycle because I have a stupid cyst on my right ovary. We finally decide to move on to something more aggressive (IUI) and I went in for my baseline ultrasound and there it was...an ugly, stupid cyst. And to top it off I get to take birth control! YAY! (sense the sarcasm?) The birth control will help to shrink the cyst and I have to go back in three weeks to check on the progress. I am praying that it will be gone and we only have to sit out one more cycle. It just seems so odd every morning to take a birth control pill when the one thing I want more than anything in the world is to be PREGNANT! I have actually prepared myself for the possibility of sitting out 2 cycles because the last time I was on birth control for my laparoscopy I spotted so much during that month that by the time my period was due I had no lining to shed and therefore never got a "flow" which is necessary in determining the exact cycle days to start meds. I had to sit out an extra cycle that time so I will not be surprised if it happens again.

Seriously, when will it be our turn? Why is it so easy for everyone else and we can't catch a break? I know it will be worth all the pain in the end when I am finally holding my baby but I am really over all of this. If one more person tells me to just relax and it will happen I will scream. If one more person tells me that they know someone who just stopped trying and got pregnant I will scream. People have to remember that just getting pregnant is only half the battle for me and I can't risk getting pregnant again without being on my meds to prevent another miscarriage...so therefore I CAN'T JUST STOP TRYING and see what happens. I don't get the luxury of just not preventing and hoping it will happen. I am just frustrated...

October 15th...

Today a tear falls.
They start to fall like rain.
My heart feels broken.
Forever there will be pain.

There is a cloud in my life now.
Even on sunny days.
An emptiness, a longing,
A sadness that forever stays.

A sadness that is lonely.
A silent tear sneaks out.
My voice fails to scream,
What my heart wants to shout.

Unborn babies are precious.
Their brief moments with us mattered.
We feel love from the beginning.
Love continues after our hearts were shattered.

Today I should have my babies.
Baby Angels to love and touch.
But instead I have barely a reminder
Of those I love so much.

Sometimes I can peek beyond the clouds
To feel a little joy.
I feel the hope of a future
That includes a baby girl or boy.

But what if it never happens.
That's more than I can bear.
So I pray and try again.
I can't handle more despair.

Today's tears keep falling.
They rain and then they pour.
My babies may never be in my arms,
But they're in my heart forevermore.

Moving on...

So I am a little freaked out now! I went in to the appt. ready to talk about IUI (intrauterine insemination) and my RE was all set for IVF (in-vitro fertilization)! We talked about some things including my weight gain and my high risk for diabetes and he put me on metformin. I was thrilled with that idea and he said it should help me to lose weight and fight the insulin resistance. Then he asked how aggressive we wanted to be and I said (thinking moving on to IUI) whatever you think is best we are ready for. Then he said, well lets talk about IVF! I was like Oh I thought more like IUI first. I asked if it would be beneficial to do a SA (sperm analysis) even though I have been pregnant, something has obviously changed, whether it is me or him. He said that was a good idea and we will see what the results are and then decide from there which plan we will do, whether it is IUI or IVF. The problem now is that I made Brian an appt. for his SA and the earliest they can get him in is Monday...then it will take 2-3 days for the results. That puts it way too close to my period coming for my comfort. I am expecting it Wednesday or Thursday. Not much time to get used to the idea either way but I guess we will deal with it as it comes. I am fully expecting the SA to be normal so most likely we will be doing IUI. Brian and I also talked about trying on our own (with meds only) one more cycle since I am on the metformin and maybe that will be all we need. On one hand I think it would be a good idea because it will be cheaper because our insurance will cover it that way but not IUI. On the other hand I am so over all this that I just want to move on and do what is more likely to work!! I guess I have a week and a half to think about doing IUI or trying one last time on our own. That is of course if the SA is good. If not, there isn't a decision to make at all...it is on to IVF! So that is where I am...still confused!

I got nothing...

There isn't much to say. I am not pregnant. Again. We are taking a break for a while. I have an appointment with my RE on Oct 13 to discuss what is going on and what our options might be. I am going to take the time off to work on losing some weight. The only difference between 2007 when I got pregnant 3 times and 2008 when I can't get pregnant is about 20 pounds. After being pregnant and depressed 3 times back to back and then the 9 weeks I was confined to my couch after my foot surgeries I did gain weight. I need to try to get back to where I was when I was able to get pregnant. That is the only difference I can think of that is preventing us from getting pregnant now. I have to take a month off at least before starting a new cycle but I will see how I feel at the end of it and decide then if I want or need to wait even longer.

Not much else to say...I just wonder if it is ever going to happen for us.

Now we wait...

I went on Monday for my follicle scan and had three mature follicles again! I was nervous again that I wouldn't have any but my ovaries cooperated well! I was able to do the trigger shot to make me ovulate then and now we wait. This is the worst part about trying to have a baby. Waiting. It seems like that is all we do. Wait to start a cycle. Wait to ovulate. Wait to find out if we got pregnant. Nope...ok lets wait a whole month and start all over. I know it doesn't end with just getting pregnant either. Once I find out I am pregnant it is still a waiting game. Wait to see if my numbers double. Wait to see if I actually start getting nauseous. Wait to see if the nauseousness goes away. Wait for the all telling ultrasound at 8 weeks. Then once I see that beautiful heartbeat finally...I will have the longest wait of my life to finally hold my baby. I think then and only then is when I will finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief that all the waiting was worth it.

I think I am going to invent a pregnancy test that detects pregnancy right after conception. Forget this waiting two weeks crap. I could make millions! Really though...I find it so strange that for two weeks I could have a baby growing and not be able to tell. I hate that. I hate going through it being as cautious as I would if I were pregnant because who knows there might be a baby in there...and then it makes me feel so stupid at the end of the month when I am not pregnant and I could have enjoyed that margarita the night before! Yeah, we need to do something about this two week wait.

I guess until a new test is invented I just need to keep myself busy. Brian and I are going to Brown County this weekend and we rented a cute little cabin to stay in. It is a much needed relaxing weekend and it also happens to be Brian's birthday next week so we decided to get away and spend a quiet weekend together in the wilderness!

I also had another acupuncture appointment today. I think it is really helping me to relax. I have also came to the realization that my life is not in my control. That was a very hard concept for me to grasp. I don't like not being in control and not being able to do things my own way. My sister made me realize that is how I have always been. I have always wanted to do everything myself and my own way. This is just one obstacle I never thought I would have to deal with. All I can do is try and pray...and of course WAIT to see what happens next.