Just when I think I am safe because I made it through Mother's day, here comes Father's day. I think I am taking this one harder than Mother's day for some reason. I feel bad for Brian because not only is he missing out on Father's day but he is also having to miss out on the birth of his son. Gabriel was due today. What a great Father's day gift that would have been. I can't imagine anything I could give him better than a child. I am so sorry that I can't. It is not his fault he doesn't have a child to hold today. He deserves to be a father today and every day.
I found this poem today and I thought it was perfect for Daddy from his Angels.
Happy Father's day my Daddy, from your Angel up above, I'm looking down on you today, and sending you my love. I know you still miss me, deep inside your heart, and if I had a choice, we would never be apart. I know you wish you could have changed things, and have me there with you, to keep mommy from crying, I know anything you would do. But I'm with the Father Daddy, and he rocks me in his arms. He tells me all about you, and keeps me safe from harm. He tells me someday we will be together, never again to be apart, and I know until I see you then, I will be inside your heart. ~Author Unknown
And one from Mommy to Gabriel:
Today is the due date
For you to be born.
But all I have is An emptiness to mourn.
Mommy's arms are empty With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.
This should have been the time
For the anticipation of your arrival.
But no one seems to be remembering
To share in my grief or sorrow.
You were a life Created from love.
You were a gift
That was sent from above.
Why couldn't you join us
To become a family.
You'd have had parents who loved you
And whom I'm sure you'd adore.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.
Father's Day is getting nearer.
The date we were told you would be here.
Instead of excitement, joy, and celebration, I shed yet another tear.
Your nursery is still empty.
There isn't a day that goes by
When I haven't thought of you.
Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be
Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is cold.
I know that you have gone
To a much better place.
Knowing that the grace of God
Is shining on your face.
I see another baby.
I think of you then, too.
Wondering what you'd have looked like
As you giggle, cry, and coo.
But I will never know these things
Because you will never be here.
But in my heart you'll always be
My baby, my angel, my dear.
It doesn't make it easier.
For the pain I have is still here.
I will never forget you, my little one.
That fact remains quite clear.
But Mommy's arms are empty
With no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy.
The weather is still cold.
Ultrasound picture of Gabriel at 8 weeks. He was too tiny and too still but still perfect to me.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Would have been Father's Day...
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Our second angelversary...
A year ago today my life was again turned upside down when I lost our second baby, Skylar. It seems so surreal sitting here and realizing that it has already been a year. I thought for sure a year from then I would be at least pregnant with a healthy baby. Now here I sit with nothing but the memories of the short few days I knew I had Sklyar. I was only able to enjoy that pregnancy for 4 days before I found out that I would lose him/her. It was another 5 days before I actually did miscarry.
Why do I do this to myself...why do I remember these dates that most people would deem insignificant because the pregnancies never resulted in a baby to hold in my arms? Why? Well, because those babies made me a mother. Those babies are a part of my life whether they are in my arms or watching me from above. I have nothing to hold on to but those dates. June is an interesting one for me. I found out I was pregnant for the second time and miscarried a year ago today. I was pregnant again for a third time and due this June 15th, Father's Day. After three losses it seems that once I make it through one date there is always another date looming in the near future.
It is funny because I never got to the point where I was "showing" in any of my pregnancies but the moment I lost them I felt empty. I still feel empty and I can't wait to have that feeling back. Right now we are waiting for my next cycle to start trying again. We decided to wait one cycle after my surgery instead of trying right away. As much as I wanted to start right away I thought it was best to give my body time to heal. I am hoping in about 3 weeks we will be starting the meds. Time can't go quickly enough!
~~Dear Skylar~~
To the baby that I carried
But never saw your eyes
Or told you how much I loved you
Or ever to hear your cries.
You will never be forgotten
The excitement we had for your coming.
When I realized I'd never hold you,
The feeling I had was numbing.
My angel baby is who you are.
My angel baby you'll always be.
Your loving memory will live in my heart
So you will always be right here with me.
~~Happy Angelversary Skylar. Mommy and Daddy miss you very much and you will always be a part of our family and a part of our hearts.~~
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Laparoscopy...
I had my lap on Tuesday and everything went well. He did find some endometriosis on my bladder and my right ovary. Everything makes so much sense now! I have been having bladder spasms since last February when I was pregnant for the first time. I just knew if I did have endo that it was all over my bladder. I have been taking Detrol and it has helped but it is a Class C so I never took it after I ovulated just in case and the bladder spasms were terrible...I hope now that the endo is gone I can completely stop the Detrol and not have anymore spasms. Also, last summer I had a lot of pain in my right side near my ovary and we never figured out what it was from. I did end up having a large cyst on that ovary but I had the pain before I had the cyst so I was never convinced that was the problem. I have still been having some pain on that side occasionally so now I am sure it will be gone! Another thing I thought of last night has made even more sense now. The last three cycles when I have been monitoring my ovaries my right one is the only one that ever produced anything...it makes sense that if it was covered with endo that the eggs might have never even gotten to my tubes. Hopefully now there is a clear path!
He also flushed my tubes and did a hysteroscopy as well to check the inside of my uterus and everything looked good. I am so relieved to have that done and the endo taken care of. Now I feel more comfortable knowing I am all cleaned out and there wasn't anything else wrong in there! I have three small incisions, one of them is in my belly button, and they are pretty sore. The gassy feeling isn't too bad right now but right after surgery it was awful. I think the pain meds have helped.
I talked to the nurse yesterday and set up my post op appt with my RE. He will be out of town again so my 2 week post op will actually be 4 weeks. I told her that I should start my new cycle before my post op appt and if it was still ok to try then. She said if it starts too soon they may want me to wait a cycle. My last birth control pill is next Wednesday so I hope it takes another few days after I stop them to start. He did write the scripts though and told me it should be ok to start trying again the next cycle so I just hope that still happens. I am so ready!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
No Birthday Baby...
So I won't be having a baby for my Birthday in January. I have scheduled my laparoscopy for May 27th and we will be taking a break from trying for a baby this cycle. I am suprisingly ok with it. I know the lap needs to be done and I will feel better being pregnant afterwards knowing everything is taken care of. The good part is that I get to go on a mini-vacation! Brian has a conference in San Diego the first week of June and we decided that if I wasn't pregnant I could go and we could stay through the weekend and visit my family! So now that we know I am not pregnant I get to go and I am very excited about that! Then once we get back we will be nice and relaxed and ready to try again!
We are also working on some projects around the house so that will occupy the next few weeks. We are building a deck, and still working on our office project. We also have a landscaping project to work on soon. It will be a busy summer and hopefully by the end I will be carrying our miracle baby.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Angel Tree...
So Mother's Day was rough but not nearly as rough as I had imagined it would be. My mom and I shared some tears which actually made me feel better. At first I wondered if anyone (besides Brian) would acknowledge me and my babies today but after watching us plant our tree my mom got teary and said she was sorry because she just didn't know what she was supposed to do for me today. She said she didn't forget and never will but she didn't know what I would want. She knew Brian and I would have our special time and she left it up to us what we wanted to make of the day. I of course started to cry and told her that was all I needed. Just acknowledgement of my angels and understanding of my pain. I feel so blessed to have a family that understands me. They may not know how I feel but they do try to understand and they let me grieve and cry and are there for me when I need them.
