No Trigger...

So I went today for my follicle scan and for my trigger shot and it was a bust. My left ovary produced NOTHING and my right produced 3 teeny tiny ones and one WAY too big one. The big one measured 30mm and they like them to be 18-25mm. The nurse told me that since mine was so big it might just be a cyst with no egg in it. I left the office crying. I have no idea why we can get pregnant 3 times in one year on our own but with fertilty meds I might not even Ovulate! I had to come to work and all I wanted to do was go home and curl up on the couch with Brian. However, I happened to have some ovulation sticks in my purse (who doesn't?? LOL) so I did one and it was positive. I really think there is an egg in there because in the almost year and a half I have been charting I have NEVER not ovulated. I am a little frustrated that I am not going to get the convenience of knowing exactly which day I will ovulate this cycle since I didn't get the trigger but I have done it before and I can do it again. I just hope I release an egg. I have to believe that I will because otherwise I will just be depressed the next 2-3 weeks. The nurse did tell me that this doesn't count as our third and final try though so we still get to try again. I am going to keep my RE appt on the 7th and see what he wants to do if I am not pregnant this time...or even next.
I am just frustrated...why does this have to be so difficult for us???

Lasik...

I had Lasik!!! I had it done on Monday afternoon and that evening I was to go home and keep my eyes closed for the rest of the day. I thought that would be hard but it really wasn't. They were stinging so much and watering that I didn't want to open them!!! The stinging really only lasted a few hours and the next morning I could see the alarm clock!!! Yesterday they were a little scratchy but today they feel great! I get blurry if I stare at the computer or watch TV too long but other than that it is great! They said over the next few weeks I might get a little blurry now and then and that is normal. I went to my post op appt on Tues and I could read the next to bottom line and I could make out a few letters on the bottom! They said I should be able to read the bottom line when I go back in a month! Before my lasik I couldn't even see the big E at the top! So for anyone considering it I highly recommend it!!! My contacts and glasses both gave me migraines so I am glad I did it now. That is one reason I didn't wait until after I had a baby because there is nothing I can take for migraines while pregnant so hopefully now I won't have them...or at least not as often as before.

As far as our Journey is concerned I took my Femara and I have my follicle scan and trigger on Saturday! Then it is the waiting game. This is our last try on this regime of meds. Last time it took us 3 tries so I am hoping this one is it. Third time is a charm right?!?!?!

No Christmas Baby...

We struck out on our second try this time around. For some reason I just knew it wasn't going to be easy this time. I am doing ok with it, I have had lots to distract me over the last week and now I am just ready to get started on a new cycle. I called the RE yesterday to schedule my follicle scan and get meds re-ordered and we talked about this being our third try. Originally he told us he would give us three tries and then reevaluate what we are doing and most likely do a laproscopy to check for endometriosis. Normally endometriosis prevents people from being able to get pregnant and he told us that it doesn't or *rarely* cause miscarriage. I have some symptoms of endo so I think I might have it and the longer I have been off birth control pills, the worse it might get and therefore make it harder to get pregnant again. Of course I hope that I just get pregnant this cycle and we won't have to worry about it but I have to be realistic and be prepared for it. I went ahead and made an appt to discuss our options in case I am not pregnant. I made it for May 7th which will be too soon to know if I will be pregnant this cycle but this way we won't waste a cycle if I am not pregnant and have to wait to see what the next step is.

I really had my heart set on a Christmas baby. At first I actually thought about not even trying last cycle because I didn't want a December due date but that thought only lasted about 2 seconds! I thought it would be the best Christmas present ever. Now we are trying for a little Birthday present for me!

Bypass...

I know this isn't related to making a baby but it is significant in our lives so I thought it should be added to our journey. Mom had her bypass surgery Monday, 4/7 and she is doing well. It was such a relief when the Dr. came out and said they had finished. They weren't sure before they went in if they were going to do three or four grafts but they did have to do four. The Dr. said it was a little more difficult than normal because of the extent of her heart disease but that it was successful. She was able to come off the ventilator with no problems and has been a good sport about doing her breathing exercises. She is still on some IV meds that help her heart to squeeze better because it is pretty weak in general and now the trauma of surgery. They are weaning them and she should be able to go without them soon. She will stay at the hospital through the weekend and maybe go home Monday or Tuesday. I am really pleased with how she is doing and she is being very brave. She has had some wonderful nurses and RTs...it helps that they know my sister is a nurse at the same hospital and that I am an RT! I am sure they would be good to her regardless but it helps I think! My dad did really well all week, even when we saw her still on the ventilator. I was pleasantly surprised that he was as calm as he was all day the day of surgery. He is usually very restless and can't stand waiting all day for anything. It was a long day but at the same time it went by fast if that makes any sense. The whole week actually seemed to fly by. I am glad the worst part is over. Mom is working on getting her strength back so that might be the worst part for her but we are here to help her along the way.

Our first angelversary...

A year ago today I was having a D&C after losing my first baby, Jordan. His/her due date has come and gone and I have lost 2 more babies since then and I just can't believe that I am still without a baby. I thought for sure this time last year that by now I would be holding a baby or at least pregnant with a healthy one. It has been a long, long year for me. There still seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I am 3 DPO today and for some reason I just have this horrible feeling that we have no chance of being pregnant right now. I started my heparin this morning and I just kept thinking that it was a waste because there is no way I am pregnant. I don't really have any reason to think that. Our timing was perfect. I guess I am just trying not to get my hopes up because I was sure I was pregnant last cycle and I was so sad when I wasn't. Today is going to be hard for me. The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was that a year ago my life was turned upside down. I had been so naiive to think it would never happen to me and when it did it was devastating. Still after that I thought well it can never happen twice...and it can never happen a third time. What makes me think that even if I do get pregnant again that I won't lose another? I am not ready to give up but I am terrified that I will have to go through the pain of another loss. But I have to try because I know the end result will be worth it to be holding my baby in my arms.

~~Happy Angelversary Jordan. Mommy and Daddy miss you and think about you every day. We only had you for a short time but you will be forever in our hearts.~~