Bypass...

I know this isn't related to making a baby but it is significant in our lives so I thought it should be added to our journey. Mom had her bypass surgery Monday, 4/7 and she is doing well. It was such a relief when the Dr. came out and said they had finished. They weren't sure before they went in if they were going to do three or four grafts but they did have to do four. The Dr. said it was a little more difficult than normal because of the extent of her heart disease but that it was successful. She was able to come off the ventilator with no problems and has been a good sport about doing her breathing exercises. She is still on some IV meds that help her heart to squeeze better because it is pretty weak in general and now the trauma of surgery. They are weaning them and she should be able to go without them soon. She will stay at the hospital through the weekend and maybe go home Monday or Tuesday. I am really pleased with how she is doing and she is being very brave. She has had some wonderful nurses and RTs...it helps that they know my sister is a nurse at the same hospital and that I am an RT! I am sure they would be good to her regardless but it helps I think! My dad did really well all week, even when we saw her still on the ventilator. I was pleasantly surprised that he was as calm as he was all day the day of surgery. He is usually very restless and can't stand waiting all day for anything. It was a long day but at the same time it went by fast if that makes any sense. The whole week actually seemed to fly by. I am glad the worst part is over. Mom is working on getting her strength back so that might be the worst part for her but we are here to help her along the way.

Our first angelversary...

A year ago today I was having a D&C after losing my first baby, Jordan. His/her due date has come and gone and I have lost 2 more babies since then and I just can't believe that I am still without a baby. I thought for sure this time last year that by now I would be holding a baby or at least pregnant with a healthy one. It has been a long, long year for me. There still seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I am 3 DPO today and for some reason I just have this horrible feeling that we have no chance of being pregnant right now. I started my heparin this morning and I just kept thinking that it was a waste because there is no way I am pregnant. I don't really have any reason to think that. Our timing was perfect. I guess I am just trying not to get my hopes up because I was sure I was pregnant last cycle and I was so sad when I wasn't. Today is going to be hard for me. The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning was that a year ago my life was turned upside down. I had been so naiive to think it would never happen to me and when it did it was devastating. Still after that I thought well it can never happen twice...and it can never happen a third time. What makes me think that even if I do get pregnant again that I won't lose another? I am not ready to give up but I am terrified that I will have to go through the pain of another loss. But I have to try because I know the end result will be worth it to be holding my baby in my arms.

~~Happy Angelversary Jordan. Mommy and Daddy miss you and think about you every day. We only had you for a short time but you will be forever in our hearts.~~

Trigger #2...

So today was my follicle scan and I had an appt at 8:15am. The office is about 25-30 min away so I was planning on leaving the house around 7:45. Brian got up around 6am (I know he is weird!) and I remember thinking oh I can lay here for another hour and then I will get up. WELL...next thing I know I woke up and rolled over to see the clock and guess what time it was??? 8:15!!!!!!!!!! OMG I was supposed to be there NOW!!!!!! I ran to the bathroom and threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt, swiped some deo, brushed my teeth, and ran a brush through my bed head...I looked BAD!! I didn't care I just had to GO! So I tried calling the office and I was forwarded to the answering service because they are only open on Saturdays to do scans and follicle checks and that sort of thing. They didn't have their phones on! I had no idea if I was the last appt or not so I didn't want them to leave thinking I wasn't showing up! I am not even going to tell you how fast I was driving! Thank goodness it is the weekend and the interstate was empty! I got there right at 8:45 and on my way I had called the answering service back and they couldn't get through to give them a message but she did fax them to tell them I was running late! So I get there and there were 3 couples waiting but they took me right back. I was soooo relieved!!!

So the results of my scan were great! My uterine lining is 9mm (they like it to be at least 7mm thick) and my left ovary (the one that did nothing last cycle) had one follicle that was 15mm. They want them to be at least 18. So she went to my right and there was a nice big one that was 19mm!!! There were also two more tiny ones and she didn't tell me what they measured but by comparing it to the other one it looked to me like they were only around 5-7mm. That is fine though because I don't think I could have 4 babies! So technically there is only one that is mature enough but I know someone who was told she had 3 follicles, one was just right, one was too ripe, and one was too small...and she shouldn't worry about having more than one...well guess what??? She now has triplets! So I think the really tiny ones are not going to be mature enough but the 15mm one I am not ruling out...along with the 19mm one of course! So there is a TINY chance that if we conceive I could get my wish of twins!!!! I am, of course, not going to set my hopes on it because I would die for just one baby and I would never be disappointed if we had one but a girl can dream right!!!!

No Turkey Baby...

I was hoping for a little Thanksgiving baby but it looks like we will be trying for a Christmas baby instead. I tested all weekend and they all came up negative. I knew it would have been too good to be true if we had been successful our first try this time. I have been so upset the past few days and it doesn't help that I was taking progesterone so my body was trying to do one thing and I was telling it to do another. I stopped the prometrium and heparin yesterday and my period showed up on time today. I figured we have a 50% success rate...the first time we got pregnant on our second cycle, the second time we got pregnant the first try, and the third time we got it on the third cycle. So 3 out of 6 tries isn't bad!!! That gives me hope for this cycle! I know I am going to be terrified when I am pregnant again so part of me wonders why I am so anxious to be pregnant again. I know pregnancy is going to be tough and emotional and stressful but in the end I will be holding a baby...MY BABY! It is amazing what we will put ourselves through to get something that precious. I want it so bad that it makes me ache. Literally, I am aching all over because I know one day it will happen...I just wish I knew how much more pain I have to endure to get there.

I will start my Femara this week and do the same plan as last cycle. I will have an ultrasound to check for egg development after finishing the Femara and then after ovulation I will do the heparin and prometrium again as well. I decided to chart this cycle because I wasn't sure exactly when or even IF I ovulated last cycle. I was less stressed by not charting but at the same time it stressed me out more by not knowing exactly what was going on...I need to be in control! Soo...I am including my charting ticker that is also a link to my chart here in my blog.

I feel like I am just tired...I am tired of having to TRY so hard and tired of the heartache and tired of the disappointment. I think all of this has made me stronger...but at the same time it is wearing me out. How much can one person handle? How long is it going to take us to get pregnant again and is that pregnancy going to finally be the one that is meant to succeed? I hate not knowing what lies ahead...I guess that is just life.

Trigger #1...

I took the Femara last week with surprisingly no side effects! Friday I went for an ultrasound to be sure I had at least one mature egg...and I did! Technically there were 3 eggs but only one was big enough to count. I was told not to worry about multiples! Then I was given the HCG trigger shot. It wasn't bad and then it was supposed to make me ovulate between 36-40 hours later which would put it at late Saturday/Early Sunday. Tomorrow is 5 days since the trigger so I will start my prometrium and heparin in the morning! I am nervous about giving myself an injection but the needles are soo tiny that I don't think it will be too bad. I am expecting to bruise just because heparin is a blood thinner. I did a little experiment today. I took a pregnancy test because I wanted to make sure the HCG from the trigger is out of my system. It had a very faint second line. I want to see the test go back to negative so that way when I test in a couple weeks I know that the trigger shot is out of my system so any line I see means I am pregnant! I sooo want to see that line. I will be ok if it didn't work the first try but I am just sooo anxious to be pregnant and get the first trimester over with!