Change of plans...

Soo I know we were going to wait until May to try again but after some discussion we decided to try NOW! The only reason we were going to wait was because I won't have any FMLA time off from work available again until next year. But after talking to my manager at work we found out I can apply for a discretionary leave of absence and he would approve it if it came to that! So now that we know I can have time off and not lose my job there is nothing stopping us from going ahead and trying for our miracle baby!!! I took my first Femara today and I will take it for 5 days and then I will have an ultrasound on Friday the 29th to check for egg development. If all is well at the ultrasound I will get the trigger shot! I am beyond excited that we are starting this process now. I just hope that it does the trick and we get our miracle baby out of it!!!

Our newest addition...

So as I said in one of my previous posts I have a new distraction to help me get through this tough time. I had been begging Brian for a puppy since we moved into our new house last summer and we finally did it! She is an 8 week old Golden Retriever and such a little sweetheart. Her name is Ginger and her big brother, Jasper loves her too...well sometimes! Here are some pictures of her first weekend at her new home.

Too Many Anniversaries...

I thought that my due dates would be difficult to get through but I never thought I would still not be pregnant by the one year anniversary of when I lost any of them. The first due date was in October and I was sad most of the day but at the time I was pregnant so it was easier to handle. I thought I was carrying a healthy baby so all the pain of losing the first two were worth it to be carrying a healthy baby. A few days ago was my second due date. I thought for sure I would be pregnant by this time and wouldn't have to worry about it.
There are just so many dates coming up in the next few months to remind me of my losses. Not just due dates but anniversaries of when we found out we were pregnant and when we found out we lost them.

Jordan-EDD October 27th
January 19th-LMP
Feb 15th-Found out I was pregnant.
March 15th-Ultrasound showing the ugly black hole.
March 30th-Ultrasound to confirm it was over.
April 3rd-D&C

Skylar-EDD February 10th
May 5th-LMP
June 2nd-Found out I was pregnant.
June 6th-Found out it was over...pregnancy hormone not rising.
June 11th-Natural miscarriage

Gabriel-EDD June 15th
September 8th-LMP
October 5th-Found out I was pregnant.
November 7th-Ultrasound showing tiny baby with no heartbeat.
November 13th D&C

I know every one of these dates by heart...who knows if they will stick with me forever. I just know the next few months are full of anniversaries and knowing I won't be pregnant will make them that much harder. I am just glad I didn't find out I was pregnant the first time on Valentine's Day.

Moving on...but never forgetting

How does one "move on" after a loss...or three, but not forget? I feel this time off work has given me plenty of time to heal and I feel more peace about losing my angels but what now? I am not looking forward to going back to work. I don't know why but I feel like I need a new start...somewhere where people don't know my history. But at the same time some of those people have been very supportive and I miss that. I wonder if people will think I am crazy for still grieving over my babies. I wonder if I seem depressed...I am not really depressed, just sad...it is hard to explain. I don't want people who read this blog to think I am depressed all the time! I know that is all I talk about here but it is because this is my release. It is how I get all the sad feelings out without burdening my family and friends everyday and making them feel like they have to say something to cheer me up. I am ok but sad...who wouldn't be?

I never want to forget my babies. I never want to pretend they didn't exist. I need to remember them. From the moment I found out I was pregnant each time I had plans and dreams for that baby that I will never get to see fulfilled. I dreamed about who he/she would look like and act like. Now I will never know...how is that supposed to not hurt? Coming up in the next few days is the due date for our second baby, Skylar. And April 3rd is the one year anniversary of when I officially lost our first baby, Jordan. The next few months will be hard as I get through those milestones and still not be pregnant with a healthy baby. Not that a new baby will in any way replace the three that I lost.

So how does one "move on" without forgetting? I got a fresh new haircut and I am getting a new puppy! I guess that is a start. I think the puppy will be a nice distraction in the next few months.

We are planning on planting a tree as a memorial for our babies. I haven't decided on the type of tree yet though. We also have our Willow Tree Angels that are on our mantle surrounding the Willow Tree couple that represent Brian and I. I know they are watching over us.

Waiting...

We have decided to wait until my May cycle to start trying. We wanted to make sure I had a couple of cycles after the D&C to heal. We also have to wait until I would have a due date not sooner than late January, early Feb of 2009. That seems soooo far away! The main reason is because right now I am off work because of my foot surgeries and I am taking all the FMLA time I have. I won't have another full 12 weeks to take if we don't wait a few months. I thought at first it would be easy to wait because I was so torn with the last loss that I didn't want to try again so soon. But now I am feeling better...I miss my babies like crazy but I feel that I am ready to "move on." I will never forget them but at the same time I am really ready to try for our miracle baby. I am terrified to miscarry again but you never know unless you try right? We will never have our baby unless we go for it head on. I have decided I am ready but now because of a technicality with work and FMLA rules we have to wait. How crappy is that! I can't wait to start this next process and see if it works. I am excited at the thought that it just might do the trick and the next pregnancy will be "the one" that makes it.

So in the meantime, what do I do with my time? I am still healing from my foot surgeries so I am home alone all day during the week. There are things I could be doing to pass the time...like finishing some scrapbooking. I always put that off because I really only have a couple of pages that need to be done but everytime I go up there to work on them I wish I had baby pics to do. I can't wait to scrap my baby's pics!!! I also could be working on the two afghans I had started to crochet but crocheting makes me tired and I am already so weak and tired all the time just from doing nothing all the time...I really need to recondition myself once I am able to walk again.

Anyway, here I sit...waiting to become a mother. Missing my babies and wondering if they are the only angels I will have or if I will have to send another one to join them. I pray that I don't.