August...

I honestly can't believe I am still pregnant. I am due in 3 weeks!!! Haylea will be here THIS month! Sometimes I still have to remind myself that the baby I feel kicking me is actually going to be born...HEALTHY! I know I probably sound crazy but I look around at all the stuff we have around the house for her and her nursery and I still can't imagine that my baby will actually be using these things. We are ready for her. We have everything we need (I think!) and I am ready emotionally but still can't believe it is going to be a reality. I get so anxious when I think of hearing that first cry and just about what the birth experience is going to be like. I think we all know I am not good with the unknown but for some reason I have such a peace about waiting on her. I am anxious but calm and know it can be today or 3 weeks from today. I have no expectations because I know anything can happen so I am just excited to know when and how it will happen.

This last week when we thought she was coming early I was so excited but nervous because I wanted her to stay in at least one more week. It is so exciting to wake up everyday thinking "am I going to have a baby today?" I wonder if the contractions will come back at any time or if I will just be walking around and my water will break. I will be 37 weeks in 2 days and I will feel so much better...she will officially be TERM (according to my OB...some say 38) and she can come whenever she wants!!!! Who would have thought that *I* could ever carry to term? I am still amazed that my body knew what to do this time. For a while I honestly thought my body hated me and would never be up to the challenge. This pregnancy has been so much easier than I ever imagined it would be for me. I am getting really uncomfortable and I was really sick in the beginning but isn't that what it is all about? Isn't she worth it? YES! It could have been so much worse and all the bruises from my shots and anxiety and nervousness and pain and discomfort will all be completely worth it when I see that little face and hear that first cry.

36 weeks...

I had a non-stress test and growth ultrasound today and got a cervical check. NST went well...it wasn't her normal active time so it took longer for her to pass but she did just fine in the allotted time. Ultrasound was great as well...it was hard to see anything exciting because she is so cramped and facing my back...which is actually a good thing so I don't get back labor! She is in the 50th % for size so that is perfect. I was worried a little because she went from 75% at 27w to 65% at 32w and now 50% so her growth has slowed some but it is so close to the end that they aren't worried about her being too small and 50% is still great.

Then came the cervical check...yep, I am still only 3cm and long! I guess all those contractions I have been having all week didn't really matter after all. I have a feeling it will be a few more weeks. I am ok with that. I did get excited thinking she would come early and I am so anxious to meet her but I know she will be here when she is ready. I get to enjoy her all to myself for a few more weeks. The contractions are pretty random now anyway and aren't constant like they were unless I am up moving around too much so I think it was just practice. So not an exciting update but not bad either. She is doing well and that is all that matters.

Here is my 36 week belly!

Contractions...

Annoying contractions. Yesterday morning I woke up and my belly was really tight feeling. I get that occasionally but it always goes away with rest and lots of water. We went to church and then to the grocery and it just got tighter and tighter. When we got home I put away the groceries and got chili started for dinner later that evening and a few times I had to double over...not necessarily in pain but in severe discomfort. If that even makes sense. I finally was able to sit down thinking ok now I will be ok. I layed on the couch for a couple of hours and drank 2 big glasses of water and still felt tight. I tried timing what I thought were contractions but it seemed so constant that I couldn't tell when one stopped and another one began. I really wasn't even convinced they were real contractions but just thought my uterus was irritable and tight. I finally decided they weren't going away and we should call the OB to see what she thought. She wanted us to come in just to be checked out so we packed up the bag (just in case) and headed out. Brian was freaking a little because he went the wrong way out of the neighborhood! LOL

We got to the hospital a little before 5 pm. The nurse put me on the monitor and immediately saw that my contractions were in fact real. Then she checked my cervix...3-4cm dilated!! OMG we freaked out thinking we were going to be having a baby! Since I wasn't actually 36 weeks yet (I was 35 weeks plus 6 days) the OB on call wanted to try and stop labor. I got 2 shots of terbutaline which did nothing to stop or slow the contractions so again, we thought we were going to be having a baby. The OB came in and checked me at 8pm and my cervix was still only about 3 cm. I was a little bummed but thought the contractions were getting a little stronger so we decided to wait a little longer and be checked one more time before being sent home just to be on the safe side. Brian and I walked the halls for almost an hour thinking that if anything was going to put pressure on my cervix that would and if it did nothing I would be more comfortable going home knowing that the walk didn't do anything. At about 10pm the OB came back in and checked...same thing. No change so she gave me an ambien and sent me home.


It is 5am now and I actually slept pretty well due to the ambien but now I am wide awake and so uncomfortable and can't lay in bed anymore. Contractions are still the same as last night...not stronger but also not lighter. I have an appt today at 11am. 6 more hours until I know if this is Haylea playing tricks on me or what! I think I am going to take a bath and relax in the tub for a while.

Jasper...

Last night I spent most of the night awake just listening to Jasper breathe and it broke my heart. He has been struggling to breathe for a few weeks but this was his worst night yet. I spent about an hour in the middle of the night laying on the floor (yes, at 8 months pregnant) with him and trying to comfort him because I knew it couldn't be comfortable for him to have to breathe as hard as he was. I also knew if it were me I would be so scared and would want someone to lay with me. He pretty much didn't sleep all night and would get up and pace the bedroom like he didn't know what to do and then lay back down. The hardest part for me today was that he would still wag his tail and give me kisses. But then when he was done all he wanted to do was lay on the kitchen floor and rest. We went to my parent's house last night for dinner and when he didn't want to play ball with Pop we knew that was a sign. He was just too tired. He still wanted to be near us and wants to do his "job" by being the loyal, loving dog that he is but I knew he was suffering. Being a respiratory therapist it breaks my heart that there was nothing I could do to make is breathing more comfortable. Last night I was laying there with him thinking that if he were a human there is no way he would make it through the night the way he was breathing. He was finally able to relax and sleep some so I went back to bed and finally got some sleep at about 4am. I woke up at 9 and he was downstairs. Brian had gone to work at about 630 and Jasper always comes back upstairs to bed with me after Brian feeds him and leaves for work but not today. He was asleep in the kitchen and when I came downstairs he didn't get up immediately. He did when I asked him to but if it were up to him he would have just laid there. I just couldn't let him have another night like last night. Brian agreed it was time and so did my parents so that made me feel better. My sister stopped by with my nephews to say goodbye and of course he got all excited and slobbered them with kisses and almost made me second guess my decision but then as soon as they left he collapsed in the kitchen and was back to breathing hard. He used to always be on the couch with me but since he started having trouble breathing he preferred the floor and I don't blame him so I layed down in the kitchen with him for a while before it was time to go to the vet. This was a very tough decision for me as Jasper has been my baby for almost 7 years. He was with me before I met Brian and has always been there for me. I didn't want to be selfish and make him suffer but at the same time I didn't want it to be too soon. I kept going back and forth all day about watching him a few more days but I knew it had to be done soon because he was just getting so uncomfortable.

We got to the vet about 230 and the vet agreed it was time. We just got home and it still hasn't really sunk in yet that he is gone. He went very quickly and painlessly. They first gave him a sedative to relax him and it was the first time in weeks I saw him actually be able to relax and I leaned down and he gave me one last kiss. It is weird but it actually comforted me to see that just from the sedative his lips started turning grey. To me that meant I was making the right decision because it wouldn't have been much longer that he was able to breathe that hard before his lungs gave out and it would have happened on its own. I sat on the floor with him and rested his head on my leg as they gave him the injection. It was very peaceful and I know he knew we were helping him. I know he is with our angels and as my mom puts it he is "slobbering 3 sweet faces with kisses."

These are the most recent pictures I have from last week. It was the first time I had ever seen even the slightest twinge of sadness in his eyes. You can also see his neck bulging with the masses that I grew to hate looking at every day. I just wanted to rip them out and make it all better but I knew that was impossible.

Sorry this is so long...I could probably keep going on and on but I know I have probably rambled enough already. So if you pray please say a prayer for Jasper today and for peace for Brian and I that we made the right decision.

She flipped!!!

I had my first of many NST's (Non-Stress Test and I will be doing them twice a week from now on) and a growth ultrasound today. First was the ultrasound and Haylea was measuring perfectly. She was asleep most of the time and I think we annoyed her because all of a sudden she kicked at us. She is measuring right on and is in the 65th percentile for weight and her approximate weight right now is 4 lb 4 oz. And the best news is....she flipped!!! I knew in the last week or so she felt different but I had no idea where she was. Last week at my appointment my OB said she thought she felt her head low but I wasn't going to believe it until I saw it. And I did!!! Good girl Haylea! I was so convinced she wouldn't flip because she was in the exact same position for about 10 weeks straight. I thought she was too comfy and I was mentally preparing myself for a c/section. Now that I know there is a chance for a normal delivery I am so excited. I am much less worried about being on heparin too close to delivery because now (as long as she stays put) I don't *have* to have an epidural...I am sure I will want one but it won't keep me from being awake during the birth like it would if I had a c/section. If I have a c/section and it hadn't been at least 12 hours from my last shot I would have to be put under general anaesthesia because I wouldn't be able to have anything in my spine. I have been worrying about that for a while and I wanted to be sure I had a scheduled c/section so that I knew when to stop my heparin...but now I can relax and know that I can go anytime (after 36w of course) and be awake to hear my baby's first cry.

Here is her newest profile pic...that is her knee up by her face.

After the ultrasound I had my NST. She did great. It is amazing to just sit there in a big comfy chair for 30 min just listening to my baby's heartbeat. So relaxing. It is also so funny when she kicks to hear it and feel it (and sometimes see it too) all at the same time.

Then I saw the OB...not much to report there. She looked over the ultrasound, fluid is good, growth is good, cervix is still good. I am at a total of 8lbs (yes, only 8 lbs the whole pregnancy...no one ever seems to believe me!) which is ok because Haylea is growing well. Blood pressure is still great and no protein or sugar in my urine! All good.

And last but not least my 32 week preggo belly