Jasper...

Last night I spent most of the night awake just listening to Jasper breathe and it broke my heart. He has been struggling to breathe for a few weeks but this was his worst night yet. I spent about an hour in the middle of the night laying on the floor (yes, at 8 months pregnant) with him and trying to comfort him because I knew it couldn't be comfortable for him to have to breathe as hard as he was. I also knew if it were me I would be so scared and would want someone to lay with me. He pretty much didn't sleep all night and would get up and pace the bedroom like he didn't know what to do and then lay back down. The hardest part for me today was that he would still wag his tail and give me kisses. But then when he was done all he wanted to do was lay on the kitchen floor and rest. We went to my parent's house last night for dinner and when he didn't want to play ball with Pop we knew that was a sign. He was just too tired. He still wanted to be near us and wants to do his "job" by being the loyal, loving dog that he is but I knew he was suffering. Being a respiratory therapist it breaks my heart that there was nothing I could do to make is breathing more comfortable. Last night I was laying there with him thinking that if he were a human there is no way he would make it through the night the way he was breathing. He was finally able to relax and sleep some so I went back to bed and finally got some sleep at about 4am. I woke up at 9 and he was downstairs. Brian had gone to work at about 630 and Jasper always comes back upstairs to bed with me after Brian feeds him and leaves for work but not today. He was asleep in the kitchen and when I came downstairs he didn't get up immediately. He did when I asked him to but if it were up to him he would have just laid there. I just couldn't let him have another night like last night. Brian agreed it was time and so did my parents so that made me feel better. My sister stopped by with my nephews to say goodbye and of course he got all excited and slobbered them with kisses and almost made me second guess my decision but then as soon as they left he collapsed in the kitchen and was back to breathing hard. He used to always be on the couch with me but since he started having trouble breathing he preferred the floor and I don't blame him so I layed down in the kitchen with him for a while before it was time to go to the vet. This was a very tough decision for me as Jasper has been my baby for almost 7 years. He was with me before I met Brian and has always been there for me. I didn't want to be selfish and make him suffer but at the same time I didn't want it to be too soon. I kept going back and forth all day about watching him a few more days but I knew it had to be done soon because he was just getting so uncomfortable.

We got to the vet about 230 and the vet agreed it was time. We just got home and it still hasn't really sunk in yet that he is gone. He went very quickly and painlessly. They first gave him a sedative to relax him and it was the first time in weeks I saw him actually be able to relax and I leaned down and he gave me one last kiss. It is weird but it actually comforted me to see that just from the sedative his lips started turning grey. To me that meant I was making the right decision because it wouldn't have been much longer that he was able to breathe that hard before his lungs gave out and it would have happened on its own. I sat on the floor with him and rested his head on my leg as they gave him the injection. It was very peaceful and I know he knew we were helping him. I know he is with our angels and as my mom puts it he is "slobbering 3 sweet faces with kisses."

These are the most recent pictures I have from last week. It was the first time I had ever seen even the slightest twinge of sadness in his eyes. You can also see his neck bulging with the masses that I grew to hate looking at every day. I just wanted to rip them out and make it all better but I knew that was impossible.

Sorry this is so long...I could probably keep going on and on but I know I have probably rambled enough already. So if you pray please say a prayer for Jasper today and for peace for Brian and I that we made the right decision.