Dilation...

We had our 24 week appointment on Wednesday and it wasn't terrible news but it wasn't great either. I had an ultrasound to check my cervix because of my history of having a LEEP procedure a few years back (abnormal cells cut away from my cervix) and it showed that I am slightly dilated. My cervical length is 4.5 cm which is great and actually longer than it was at 20w (3.9 cm). The inside of my cervix on the baby side is still actually closed but the external OS is open slightly. I had an extra appointment 2 weeks ago because I had been cramping and she checked me then and I was completely closed so she was worried that this happened in just 2 weeks. I was actually having what I thought were contractions in the middle of the night that were 5-6 min apart for about 45 minutes and then I fell asleep so I don't know how long they actually lasted. I drank a whole gatorade before I fell asleep and they were gone when I woke up so I am pretty sure it was from being dehydrated. She was too nervous to let me work 12 hours on my feet today without being checked so I went in this morning to be checked and I am still the same as Wednesday. Fingertip to 1cm dilated on the external OS but still closed on the inside. She let me come to work today and I don't have any restrictions. She said this could be normal for me and that some women just dilate a little on the outside but it is usually with second or third babies. My cervix is still really long (didn't get a measurement today but she could feel it was long) so that is a good sign. She is going to check me again in a week. Hopefully this is a normal thing for me and does not progress but until next week I will be taking it easy just in case and calling if I have any contractions or anything unusual. I also thought I was having some contractions yesterday morning so I went in and they put me on the monitor for about an hour. I was cramping but nothing showed up on the monitor so they weren't contractions. I feel better about that because I am crampy a lot but at least now I know what I am feeling isn't contractions. Haylea was funny though because she kept kicking the monitor. You could hear her heart beat and all of a sudden a big WHOOSH. It was so weird to feel it and hear it at the same time. She was pretty annoyed.

So we will take it one week at a time and see if this is going to turn in to anything or just be a little scare and hopefully won't be a problem. The good thing is I am not contracting and my cervix is still nice and thick. Every week she stays put from now on makes a HUGE difference so we want her to keep baking! She also needs to start thinking about turning around before she runs out of room because right now her little butt is sitting right on my cervix. When we had the ultrasound on Wednesday we could see her little butt tucked right on the other side. It was kinda cute though...but she can't come out that way so she better be flippin around!

Viability...

24 weeks today! I can't believe it. This is by far the biggest milestone of this pregnancy. Officially, as of today, this pregnancy WILL NOT end in miscarriage!!!!!! Of course I want her to stay in for a lot longer but it is an amazing feeling after three miscarriages to be at a point where if my baby were to be born she would have a chance at survival! I have taken care of a lot of 24 weekers, some with great outcomes and some with not so great outcomes and I know that each week from now on that she stays put makes her chances that much better. I know there are lots of other bad things that can happen (It sucks when you know too much and have seen too much) but I try not to think about those things. I am in no way completely relaxed about this pregnancy but this milestone definately takes a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

The good and the bad...

Haylea Irene Finch. We have had that name picked out since the first time I was pregnant (in fact, I have had that name picked out since junior high!) but we wanted to wait until we found out if we were having a boy or a girl before making anything official. I wanted to re-evaluate and look at different names just to be sure...the reality of it was that even though there are names we both like...they just aren't "HER" name. I think she has been Haylea the whole time and anytime I would think of another name it just didn't feel right. I feel like now I can bond a little better knowing she is a she and that she has a name. Funny thing is that even before we found out she was a girl I caught myself calling her Haylea in my head and had to stop myself because it could have been Logan! Must have been that mother's intuition telling me she was a girl all along.

She is so funny too. I still laugh when she kicks hard. I just wonder what she is doing in there! Brian felt her kick for the first time last night too! It was precious! He has been trying for a while now but usually anytime he put his hand on my belly she would stop moving. About a week ago he had his hand on my belly for about 15 minutes and she didn't move once...he took his hand off and not even 2 seconds later she gave a big kick! I couldn't stop laughing but I felt bad because he really wanted to feel her. Well last night I was eating my dinner on the couch (which has become a common thing!) and she was going crazy so I told Brian to hurry up and come feel. She stopped for a minute but all of a sudden gave a big kick. I asked if he felt it and he said maybe...then she did it again and he knew right away that was her. His face was so cute. She is a daddy's girl already.

My belly is starting to pooch out now...although I think I still look pudgy and not pregnant. I have noticed I bump in to things though...which is annoying because I have bruises on my belly from the lovenox injections I give myself every day. She is worth it though.

In sad, unrelated news...we recently found out that our dog, Jasper has canine lymphoma. It is a very aggressive cancer and even though his only symptoms now are enlarged lymph nodes we will probably lose him in a month or two. We will be giving him prednisone to help shrink the lumps so that he is comfortable...especially the ones in his neck because they are beginning to make him uncomfortable and he has a little trouble breathing when he lays down. Our vet said with no treatment it usually is 2 months from onset...which was actually about a month ago already. But with prednisone it will extend about a month or two...so I am thinking between a month and 2 months from now. I just don't want it to be because he can't breathe or eat. I want the lumps to shrink so he can be comfortable until his body actually shuts down (usually liver failure). I want his body to tell me when it is time...not have to make the decision myself because he just can't breathe anymore. Does that make sense? I think part of it is because I am a Respiratory Therapist so the thought of me not being able to protect his airway makes me feel like a failure as a "mommy." I already feel guilty for not taking him in as soon as we noticed. A few days before I noticed it in his neck he was out in the backyard and he and the neighbor dog hate each other. It is usually no big deal that they try to eat each other through the fence but there is about an inch space between pickets and he came in with a scratch on his gum that bled for a few minutes but was fine after that. I even checked it the next day and you couldn't even tell it had happened. Anyway when I noticed the enlarged lymph nodes in his neck a few days later I assumed it was from the gum scratch and he had a little infection. We kept watching it assuming it was infection and it would go down and I even joked to Brian that he probably had brain cancer (because he is a crazy dog...and I say that with love.) and it was spreading through his lymph. We went back and forth for a few days trying to decide if we should take him or not. I decided since he had an appointment for a nail trim last week that I would ask then but they didn't have time for a full appointment then since I had just scheduled a nail trim so I had to wait until this week. So it has been probably a month already since I first noticed. I know it would have never changed the outcome but at least we could have started the prednisone sooner and got a little more time for him. He is so clueless right now which is hard too. He has no idea he is even sick...or what will happen in a few months.

I just wonder who is going to lick me when I cry? He hates it when I cry and he is all over me until I laugh and tell him I am ok. Who is going to stay by my side 24/7 and take care of me and Haylea when Brian is at work? I am going to miss his smell. I know it sounds weird but he has never been a stinky dog...ever and his smell is so comforting to me. He has been by my side through so much. He was my companion when I lived alone and got me through a lot of lonely nights. He was there when I was stressed with college and saw me through a few boyfriends and breakups. He was the only one that never left me...until I met Brian, of course. He was there every second during our losses and knew when I needed to cuddle...and again, that smell and his sweet "are you ok, mommy?" look always comforted me.

Of course we have our sweet Ginger and I am grateful we got her when we did because I have never really lived without a dog and with Haylea coming soon there is no way we need to be getting a new dog. She won't replace Jaz in any way but it will help to have her to snuggle with when I miss him and she makes me laugh too...just not in the same way that he does. I worry about her too. She has known no life except with her big brother who she loves. She went crazy the day I took Jasper to the vet and left her alone with daddy. Even though Brian was home she still missed Jasper. I hope she transitions well. I told her she is going to have to be the big sister now and not the spoiled little princess that she has become! She has to take care of mommy and Haylea. I think she understood.

So the good and the bad. Good because I was just thinking the other day that I don't remember a time in my life where I was more happy. Except for the day Brian proposed and our wedding day. Finally things are falling into place...we are going to have our little girl and I have the most wonderful husband and family and everyone is healthy and happy. Bad because this happy time has been tainted with cancer. I am so excited to finally be a mommy and start a whole new chapter of my life with my baby and my husband. Finally, a real family...but then I think about the one who got me through all of my adult life until this point and the fact that he won't be around to witness the future and it makes me so sad. He most likely will never meet Haylea and she will never know him either. I always pictured him being so protective of her. Sleeping by her bed and watching over her. Now we won't get the chance to know how much he would have loved her and her him.

It reminds me of when I was growing up and my parents talked about their dog Dinky. Apparently he was a great dog and he was so gentle with my sister when she was little. Dinky passed away before I was born and I always felt like I missed out on meeting a great dog and having those memories that my sister had with him as a child. I wished I could have known him. I don't want that for Haylea but I don't have a choice. I don't want to never talk about Jasper...I want her to know her mommy was well taken care of before she met daddy and when we were waiting for her. We had some great moments and some not-so-great moments with him but they all made him who he is. I just hope we can make the last few months of his life full of love and happiness...and of course all the ice cream he wants!

It's a...

Perfectly beautiful, healthy baby GIRL!!!! I just knew it! I don't know why but I have had a feeling since the beginning that it was a girl! Everything measured right on track at 20-21 weeks, beautiful 4 chamber heart, 3 vessel cord, normal size brain and ventricles, kidneys, stomach and bladder all in the right place and look great. Perfect little fingers and toes! I am so in love! We were afraid we wouldn't get a good crotch shot because she is curled up in a ball facing down...no wonder I keep getting punched and kicked in the bladder! But we got a good shot and I knew as soon as I saw it! Brian is excited to have a daddy's little girl. Here are the pics!!

Profile, hands up in front of her face

Face...looks like a halloween mask! And perfect little arm.

Feet, perfect little toes!

It's a GIRL!

Missing My Angels...

It is 3am and I am awake. Two years ago today I lost our first baby. I knew today was coming and thought I had prepared myself. I thought today would be easier knowing I had a healthy baby growing inside me. I laid awake for a while tonight thinking of what could have been and of what will be our future. My emotions are all over the place. Sad because I will never know my angels but grateful that I get the chance to know the baby I am carrying now. Call it pregnancy hormones, call it an ever grieving mother, call it insomnia...call it what you want. All I know is that it is a weird feeling to be sad and ecstatic at the same time. I miss my babies that I lost but I also know I would have never had the chance of knowing the baby that I am carrying now without them. In ways I feel blessed to have had them and lost them...they taught me a lot about life and how precious it is. I feel blessed because I have been pregnant 4 times in 2 years. I have known and still know 4 of my babies...whether it was for a few days or a few weeks...or whether as I sit typing this is kicking inside me. However, I am sad that I will never know three of their personalities...I will never know what they looked like...I will never hear their voices or see their dreams fulfilled. They are all different...one will not replace another. I love them all equally...but differently. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember them. I don't always get sad...but I remember. I thank God every day for this baby I am carrying now and wonder how I got so lucky. Why this one? It doesn't matter to me why. I am just grateful that it is my turn...it is our turn to finally have our prayers answered. I may complain about being tired or sick or that I want time to move faster, but it doesn't mean I don't stop every single day and realize that it is all worth it. Every day is one day closer to meeting our miracle...it is also one day further from our angels. I am sure some people wonder why I still get upset about them when I know I am carrying a healthy baby now. It is because the pain and fear never go away. Sure it gets easier with time but you never forget how it feels to have your dreams ripped away from you, not once or twice but three times and the fear that it could happen again never goes away. To be given the chance to be pregnant again is a miracle and every day of this pregnancy is a miracle...but the fear is constant. It is the life of anyone who is pregnant after loss. It is like your innocence has been stolen. There is no room for being naive...there is no blissful ignorance. Just reality. Of course as each day of this pregnancy passes it does get easier but the fear will never completely go away until I am holding my healthy baby...and then of course a whole new set of fears will take over. The joys of motherhood...completely worth it and I am ready for it.