The good and the bad...

Haylea Irene Finch. We have had that name picked out since the first time I was pregnant (in fact, I have had that name picked out since junior high!) but we wanted to wait until we found out if we were having a boy or a girl before making anything official. I wanted to re-evaluate and look at different names just to be sure...the reality of it was that even though there are names we both like...they just aren't "HER" name. I think she has been Haylea the whole time and anytime I would think of another name it just didn't feel right. I feel like now I can bond a little better knowing she is a she and that she has a name. Funny thing is that even before we found out she was a girl I caught myself calling her Haylea in my head and had to stop myself because it could have been Logan! Must have been that mother's intuition telling me she was a girl all along.

She is so funny too. I still laugh when she kicks hard. I just wonder what she is doing in there! Brian felt her kick for the first time last night too! It was precious! He has been trying for a while now but usually anytime he put his hand on my belly she would stop moving. About a week ago he had his hand on my belly for about 15 minutes and she didn't move once...he took his hand off and not even 2 seconds later she gave a big kick! I couldn't stop laughing but I felt bad because he really wanted to feel her. Well last night I was eating my dinner on the couch (which has become a common thing!) and she was going crazy so I told Brian to hurry up and come feel. She stopped for a minute but all of a sudden gave a big kick. I asked if he felt it and he said maybe...then she did it again and he knew right away that was her. His face was so cute. She is a daddy's girl already.

My belly is starting to pooch out now...although I think I still look pudgy and not pregnant. I have noticed I bump in to things though...which is annoying because I have bruises on my belly from the lovenox injections I give myself every day. She is worth it though.

In sad, unrelated news...we recently found out that our dog, Jasper has canine lymphoma. It is a very aggressive cancer and even though his only symptoms now are enlarged lymph nodes we will probably lose him in a month or two. We will be giving him prednisone to help shrink the lumps so that he is comfortable...especially the ones in his neck because they are beginning to make him uncomfortable and he has a little trouble breathing when he lays down. Our vet said with no treatment it usually is 2 months from onset...which was actually about a month ago already. But with prednisone it will extend about a month or two...so I am thinking between a month and 2 months from now. I just don't want it to be because he can't breathe or eat. I want the lumps to shrink so he can be comfortable until his body actually shuts down (usually liver failure). I want his body to tell me when it is time...not have to make the decision myself because he just can't breathe anymore. Does that make sense? I think part of it is because I am a Respiratory Therapist so the thought of me not being able to protect his airway makes me feel like a failure as a "mommy." I already feel guilty for not taking him in as soon as we noticed. A few days before I noticed it in his neck he was out in the backyard and he and the neighbor dog hate each other. It is usually no big deal that they try to eat each other through the fence but there is about an inch space between pickets and he came in with a scratch on his gum that bled for a few minutes but was fine after that. I even checked it the next day and you couldn't even tell it had happened. Anyway when I noticed the enlarged lymph nodes in his neck a few days later I assumed it was from the gum scratch and he had a little infection. We kept watching it assuming it was infection and it would go down and I even joked to Brian that he probably had brain cancer (because he is a crazy dog...and I say that with love.) and it was spreading through his lymph. We went back and forth for a few days trying to decide if we should take him or not. I decided since he had an appointment for a nail trim last week that I would ask then but they didn't have time for a full appointment then since I had just scheduled a nail trim so I had to wait until this week. So it has been probably a month already since I first noticed. I know it would have never changed the outcome but at least we could have started the prednisone sooner and got a little more time for him. He is so clueless right now which is hard too. He has no idea he is even sick...or what will happen in a few months.

I just wonder who is going to lick me when I cry? He hates it when I cry and he is all over me until I laugh and tell him I am ok. Who is going to stay by my side 24/7 and take care of me and Haylea when Brian is at work? I am going to miss his smell. I know it sounds weird but he has never been a stinky dog...ever and his smell is so comforting to me. He has been by my side through so much. He was my companion when I lived alone and got me through a lot of lonely nights. He was there when I was stressed with college and saw me through a few boyfriends and breakups. He was the only one that never left me...until I met Brian, of course. He was there every second during our losses and knew when I needed to cuddle...and again, that smell and his sweet "are you ok, mommy?" look always comforted me.

Of course we have our sweet Ginger and I am grateful we got her when we did because I have never really lived without a dog and with Haylea coming soon there is no way we need to be getting a new dog. She won't replace Jaz in any way but it will help to have her to snuggle with when I miss him and she makes me laugh too...just not in the same way that he does. I worry about her too. She has known no life except with her big brother who she loves. She went crazy the day I took Jasper to the vet and left her alone with daddy. Even though Brian was home she still missed Jasper. I hope she transitions well. I told her she is going to have to be the big sister now and not the spoiled little princess that she has become! She has to take care of mommy and Haylea. I think she understood.

So the good and the bad. Good because I was just thinking the other day that I don't remember a time in my life where I was more happy. Except for the day Brian proposed and our wedding day. Finally things are falling into place...we are going to have our little girl and I have the most wonderful husband and family and everyone is healthy and happy. Bad because this happy time has been tainted with cancer. I am so excited to finally be a mommy and start a whole new chapter of my life with my baby and my husband. Finally, a real family...but then I think about the one who got me through all of my adult life until this point and the fact that he won't be around to witness the future and it makes me so sad. He most likely will never meet Haylea and she will never know him either. I always pictured him being so protective of her. Sleeping by her bed and watching over her. Now we won't get the chance to know how much he would have loved her and her him.

It reminds me of when I was growing up and my parents talked about their dog Dinky. Apparently he was a great dog and he was so gentle with my sister when she was little. Dinky passed away before I was born and I always felt like I missed out on meeting a great dog and having those memories that my sister had with him as a child. I wished I could have known him. I don't want that for Haylea but I don't have a choice. I don't want to never talk about Jasper...I want her to know her mommy was well taken care of before she met daddy and when we were waiting for her. We had some great moments and some not-so-great moments with him but they all made him who he is. I just hope we can make the last few months of his life full of love and happiness...and of course all the ice cream he wants!