Missing My Angels...

It is 3am and I am awake. Two years ago today I lost our first baby. I knew today was coming and thought I had prepared myself. I thought today would be easier knowing I had a healthy baby growing inside me. I laid awake for a while tonight thinking of what could have been and of what will be our future. My emotions are all over the place. Sad because I will never know my angels but grateful that I get the chance to know the baby I am carrying now. Call it pregnancy hormones, call it an ever grieving mother, call it insomnia...call it what you want. All I know is that it is a weird feeling to be sad and ecstatic at the same time. I miss my babies that I lost but I also know I would have never had the chance of knowing the baby that I am carrying now without them. In ways I feel blessed to have had them and lost them...they taught me a lot about life and how precious it is. I feel blessed because I have been pregnant 4 times in 2 years. I have known and still know 4 of my babies...whether it was for a few days or a few weeks...or whether as I sit typing this is kicking inside me. However, I am sad that I will never know three of their personalities...I will never know what they looked like...I will never hear their voices or see their dreams fulfilled. They are all different...one will not replace another. I love them all equally...but differently. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember them. I don't always get sad...but I remember. I thank God every day for this baby I am carrying now and wonder how I got so lucky. Why this one? It doesn't matter to me why. I am just grateful that it is my turn...it is our turn to finally have our prayers answered. I may complain about being tired or sick or that I want time to move faster, but it doesn't mean I don't stop every single day and realize that it is all worth it. Every day is one day closer to meeting our miracle...it is also one day further from our angels. I am sure some people wonder why I still get upset about them when I know I am carrying a healthy baby now. It is because the pain and fear never go away. Sure it gets easier with time but you never forget how it feels to have your dreams ripped away from you, not once or twice but three times and the fear that it could happen again never goes away. To be given the chance to be pregnant again is a miracle and every day of this pregnancy is a miracle...but the fear is constant. It is the life of anyone who is pregnant after loss. It is like your innocence has been stolen. There is no room for being naive...there is no blissful ignorance. Just reality. Of course as each day of this pregnancy passes it does get easier but the fear will never completely go away until I am holding my healthy baby...and then of course a whole new set of fears will take over. The joys of motherhood...completely worth it and I am ready for it.