It's a...

Perfectly beautiful, healthy baby GIRL!!!! I just knew it! I don't know why but I have had a feeling since the beginning that it was a girl! Everything measured right on track at 20-21 weeks, beautiful 4 chamber heart, 3 vessel cord, normal size brain and ventricles, kidneys, stomach and bladder all in the right place and look great. Perfect little fingers and toes! I am so in love! We were afraid we wouldn't get a good crotch shot because she is curled up in a ball facing down...no wonder I keep getting punched and kicked in the bladder! But we got a good shot and I knew as soon as I saw it! Brian is excited to have a daddy's little girl. Here are the pics!!

Profile, hands up in front of her face

Face...looks like a halloween mask! And perfect little arm.

Feet, perfect little toes!

It's a GIRL!

Missing My Angels...

It is 3am and I am awake. Two years ago today I lost our first baby. I knew today was coming and thought I had prepared myself. I thought today would be easier knowing I had a healthy baby growing inside me. I laid awake for a while tonight thinking of what could have been and of what will be our future. My emotions are all over the place. Sad because I will never know my angels but grateful that I get the chance to know the baby I am carrying now. Call it pregnancy hormones, call it an ever grieving mother, call it insomnia...call it what you want. All I know is that it is a weird feeling to be sad and ecstatic at the same time. I miss my babies that I lost but I also know I would have never had the chance of knowing the baby that I am carrying now without them. In ways I feel blessed to have had them and lost them...they taught me a lot about life and how precious it is. I feel blessed because I have been pregnant 4 times in 2 years. I have known and still know 4 of my babies...whether it was for a few days or a few weeks...or whether as I sit typing this is kicking inside me. However, I am sad that I will never know three of their personalities...I will never know what they looked like...I will never hear their voices or see their dreams fulfilled. They are all different...one will not replace another. I love them all equally...but differently. There is not a day that goes by that I don't remember them. I don't always get sad...but I remember. I thank God every day for this baby I am carrying now and wonder how I got so lucky. Why this one? It doesn't matter to me why. I am just grateful that it is my turn...it is our turn to finally have our prayers answered. I may complain about being tired or sick or that I want time to move faster, but it doesn't mean I don't stop every single day and realize that it is all worth it. Every day is one day closer to meeting our miracle...it is also one day further from our angels. I am sure some people wonder why I still get upset about them when I know I am carrying a healthy baby now. It is because the pain and fear never go away. Sure it gets easier with time but you never forget how it feels to have your dreams ripped away from you, not once or twice but three times and the fear that it could happen again never goes away. To be given the chance to be pregnant again is a miracle and every day of this pregnancy is a miracle...but the fear is constant. It is the life of anyone who is pregnant after loss. It is like your innocence has been stolen. There is no room for being naive...there is no blissful ignorance. Just reality. Of course as each day of this pregnancy passes it does get easier but the fear will never completely go away until I am holding my healthy baby...and then of course a whole new set of fears will take over. The joys of motherhood...completely worth it and I am ready for it.

Movement...

I think my baby knows when I need some reassurance. About an hour after I made my last post baby made his presence known! We were watching TV and I got two strong but quick quivers in my belly. It was over before I knew what it was but I am sure that is what it was. Then later when I went to bed I felt him again. I was laying on my side but sort of leaning towards my belly and I felt little tiny taps...like when you get a twitch on your eye...but obviously in my belly. I had to wake Brian up to tell him about it! Then I rolled over and tried to go to sleep but then baby decided to roll around. It was the first time I have felt movement and actually realized what it was while it was happening. It lasted what seemed like forever! Then we started playing a game. I tried to feel with my hand and he would stop. I would take my hand off and he would start again! It made me giggle. I wish I could have had a camera to see what he was doing in there!

That wasn't the first time baby gave me some reassurance. I think he knows when I need to feel him. About a week ago I had a really bad dream (weird dreams have become a normal thing for me!) where I was at work and went back on a delivery of a stillborn baby...it wasn't my baby but still I get sad when we lose a baby at work. Doesn't happen often but that is one downside to my job. Anyway, it was a horrible dream and I was in tears when I woke up...I rolled over and tried not to think about it and all of a sudden I felt a twitchy thump and knew baby was telling me he was ok.

I can't wait to find out who is in there so I can stop saying He. I can't wait to call this baby by name...which we have picked out. (I should say we are 99% sure...I will probably re-evaluate when we find out just to make sure that is still what I want.) A girl will be Haylea Irene and a boy will be Logan Andrew. I have had Haylea picked out since probably 7th grade! Logan was a new one that we decided on the first time I was pregnant. I can't wait to finally get to use them!

Nesting...

I am not sure if it is nesting exactly or the spring cleaning bug...or just the fact that when I hit 17 weeks I all of a sudden got energy! I have been cleaning the house and making lists of things we need to do to help organize things all week. I have also been out shopping...not really buying things but deciding on things if that makes sense. Well...actually I did make one big purchase but that was sort of an accident! I went to Babies R Us because I was having a hard time deciding on a car seat/stroller combo and I wanted to play around with them some. I ended up deciding on one and made a mental note of which one it was. I browsed around the store and ended up buying some maternity clothes...when I went to check out I got a 10% off coupon that I had to use that day but it didn't cover the maternity clothes that I was getting. So of course I coudln't waste a coupon so I ended up buying the car seat and stroller! I love it! It is at the top of the Consumer Reports and is really easy to fold up and not too heavy.

Here are pics of what I got! It is from Chicco.

In other news...Brian has decided to build our nursery furniture. I was having a hard time finding a crib that I liked that also had a matching dresser that I liked so one weekend while I was working Brian built a dresser and had it in the nursery to surprise me when I got home. It is beautiful! Not completely finished yet but I will for sure share pictures when all the pieces are done!

So here we are not even two weeks out from my last OB appointment and I am starting to get anxious again. Partly because it is such a big appointment coming up and partly because I keep wondering if baby is still growing in there. I have no reason to believe otherwise...but I have learned that pregnancy after loss is almost never anxiety-free. Not that any pregnancy is completely anxiety free either. I am still feeling what I think is the baby. Not as often as I would like but I know it will get more frequent over time. I am also not really showing still. My pudgy belly is slightly firmer but not really bigger...if that makes sense. I know it will come soon enough and I will be so uncomfortable by the end...but at least I will know my baby is still growing! So for now...I am taking deep breaths and taking one day at a time until April 8th!

16 Weeks...

We had our 16 week appointment today. It went very well...very quick! Left urine sample and got blood drawn for one hour glucose test...will know results on Thursday. Weight is still down about 4 lb because of morning sickness and no appetite but they aren't worried about it. Blood pressure was GREAT!!! 110/72...that is awesome for me! We heard baby's heartbeat on doppler...sounded nice and loud but didn't get a count. That was pretty much it! So it was a quick appointment but a good one! Our next appointment is scheduled for 4/8 at 2p!!! I can't wait...that is also when we find out the gender!

As far as me, I am feeling ok for the most part. I still have random days where I feel awful and get sick but other days I am fine. Still really tired most of the time but I am feeling much more reassured about this pregnancy. I am finally ready to feel like this is going to happen! Today was the first appointment I went to that I wasn't worried about not hearing a heartbeat. I am much more calm. I have also been feeling things. I am not 100% sure that what I am feeling is really the baby but it is very possible. It feels like a little muscle twitch in my belly. Hopefully it gets stronger and more frequent soon...I love feeling it!